And all of A Sudden, She is Pregnant

We live on Australia’s Gold Coast.  Moving here was a decision we made together, moving away from our families early 2007 in favour for a beach lifestyle.  As such, we often have our families visit us for weekends or weeks at a time, staying in our spare room.  It really is one of the joys of living at a tourist destination.  At the start of 2008, we had my parents staying with us for a week.  It was during this week we started expecting we had a little, unplanned, bundle of joy on the way.  For better or worse, we waited till mum and dad had left before we got the test. 

On purchasing a pregnancy test, an amusing series of events unfolded.  My partner ducked out into the bathroom and urinated on the stick as per the directions.  Having done so, all courage departed and she ran into the living room, buried herself under a pillow and hid from it, demanding that I go and find out what it had to tell us.  So I wandered into the bathroom to discover the telltale additional lines, our firstborn baby was on the way.  I headed back into the living room with a huge grin on my face and was met by a barrage of demands that I tell her immediately and to stop holding out on her.  So I sat down beside her and softly said “sweetheart, we are going to have a baby”.

At this moment she point blank accused me of lying, telling me she didn’t believe a word I said and ran into the bathroom to see for herself.  It was pretty funny!  This was a great introduction to our first pregnancy as those initial magical moments can only be described by the word “rollercoaster” which is what the next 8 months or so really turned out to be. 

The rest of the night was simply wonderful.  We spent at least an hour in the bathroom looking at the little stick, staring at each other in amazement, murmering quietly “we are going to be parents”, “you are going to be a mum”, “you are going to be a dad” and the like.  Despite the tumultuous beginning, it turned into an evening of softness, joy and  intimacy.  An experience that never would have been the same if it was shared with others.  An experience in which we grew together as a couple, as a family.

Its funny reflecting on that evening, as pretty quickly into our pregnancy I worked out that I needed to work to protect these special moments as they popped up.  As we started telling our family and friends, I realised that the world is packed with well meaning people who want to make these moments their own, and as the father, exclude me from them.  For example, one of my partners friends went as far as to speak to my partners sister independently of us, telling her we need her in the delivery room.  My mind boggled at the inappropriateness of this.  The birth of our baby is such an intimate experience, no-one but me and my partner should be making decisions about who we need there.  The fact was we did not want anyone there, the thought of having someone else there was intrusive to us in the extreme.

We also had people telling us, in their “wisdom and experience”, that the advice we were receiving from our doctor was wrong and we should listen to them instead.  Naturally, as the father to be, I was excluded from all these conversations.  Apparently I wasn’t needed in the decision making process.  This is part of the reason why, as mentioned above, expecting your firstborn can be a bit of a rollercoaster.  The highs you experience really are tremendous, all these first time experiences that are happening because you and your partner are bringing a new life into the world.  But they often are temperred by the ”well meaning woman” who seems to want to compete with you for ownership of these moments.  Which is particularly hard to fathom given she is probably one of the people you want to share with and talk to about it all. (well, at least until she pushes once too often :))

This is one of the issues we try to overcome in the Expectant Father section of our website.  Almost every father I have talked to has a version of the “well meaning woman” (who typically is a best friend or mother in law, and always someone who has already had children) who tries and make the pregnancy part of their experience, always at the expense of our involvement. 

What we have found is that there are 2 things as the expectant father, that you need to protect yourself from.  You need to find a way to protect you and your partner from the advice and experiences which seem to deliberately contradict the advice you are getting from your doctor, as you need to be able to trust your doctor.  (there are so many wives tales out there - pregnancy really is a breeding ground for them… if you’ll excuse the pun)  And you need to protect yourselves from the well meaning advice which takes you out of the intimate moments of the pregnancy, replacing you with the person giving the advice.

So if you find yourself facing off against the “Well Meaning Female”, you are certainly not the first, and will not be the last.  If you are not sure how to deal with it, visit us at Fathers4Fathers.com, you may just find the strategy you need.