Unloved, Unwanted & Disowned Ever since I was a child in ... I knew there was ... strange about my mother. She didn't seem normal, but at that time, how would I know what normal is? My
Unloved, Unwanted & Disowned
Ever since I was a child in kindergarten I knew there was something strange about my mother. She didn't seem normal, but at that time, how would I know what normal is?
My brother, four-years-older, never seemed to be home. I have never had a conversation with him, and I am now in my late forties. He was never interested in getting to know me or including me in his life. He was someone I knew was there but my existence, and his, was meaningless.
We lived in the same house, but we were both more like boarders. He always was off with his buddies. I didn't really meet those people until the high school years, but even then it didn't matter.
Both my parents and brother were never capable of showing love or emotion. Whatever feelings they had, it only appeared in the form of severe negativity. My mother was always crying for some reason or another. She seemed to hate her life even though nothing at all was ever expected of her.
All my mother ever did was go in the basement and yell at the washing machine, talk to the cleaning woman at lunch and watch television. Her only goal in life was to figure out what's for dinner and which room to clean.
She was obsessed with cleanliness. She sometimes would get on the floor on her hands and knees and scrub the floor. But she was never happy with the results. Everything was always dirty, even minutes after it was cleaned, she felt it was dirty again.
It took me my whole lifetime to realize my mother and father were mentally disturbed. My parents both lived off the successful financial condition of my maternal grandparents. My father was a ne'er-do-well who made it from check to check but my grandmother willingly gave money on a regular basis for whatever we needed.
I guess since my father knew that, he didn't try very hard. My grandfather tried to force my father and uncle to be in business together, but that was always volatile. My entire household was always volatile, with explosive temperaments coming from everywhere. Always loud voices yelling and swearing and slamming of doors and throwing of objects with uncontrolled, raging tempers. I was shaking a lot.
My parent's have always had extreme difficulty getting along with people, and that was one of many reasons why they have few to none as far as social contacts was concerned.
My mother spent most of her life watching television. She always was ill from something or another. But her illnesses weren't bad enough to keep her from forming a life her own. She simply didn't try or was too mentally weak.
My parents doted on their son and he grew to become more and more selfish, inflexible, hostile, arrogant, money-loving, verbally abusive, mentally abusive, materalistic and more. He married a woman with the same qualities.
I had to be on my own emotionally and searched for attention and love outside the home. There was no love at all at home. My grandparents provided the material things for all four of us to survive. But I was empty, suffering from severe anxiety, depression, and zero self-esteem.
When it came time for me to finally marry, and I had had multiple bad relationships with men because I gravitated toward losers like my father and men who physically and emotionally abused me, like I was used to at home.
For once in my life I was with a man who could make a living on his own without help from someone else, who was kind and trusting and uplifting, and he actually cares about me. For me that's a miracle. I thought I was doomed to sit in front of the television with the lights off like my useless mother.
They were not happy that I married. They gave me no gift and no wedding. Two years ago I had major surgery and my mother didn't even call.
She's had many surgeries throughout her freakish life and I visited her nonstop. Then my father became ill and I visited him every day.
But in the background their son was worried my husband would "steal" my parents' home and his "inheritance." My mother inherited money from HER mother. That's what my parents lived off of.
Their son had spent so much over the years and accumulated miles of debt from his extravagant lifestyle, he constanly needs more and more. He found a way to get their house and savings.
Now they are elderly and living in his home because they have lost everything they have to their viscious son. And they have forgotten they have a daughter, or they choose to forget.
They never paid me much mind anyway over the years. They thought of me as a useless drone who could possibly help take care of them in their old age but of no use in any other way.
I am now alone with my husband. But you know what? I am lucky to finally be free of the noose around my neck. I catered to their every whim in their old age demands. Now their beloved son has to figure out how to get rid of them as he lavishly spends their savings.