When a parent needs assistance and does not accept?

Mar 21
10:42

2016

Dr Sadaqat Ali

Dr Sadaqat Ali

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Dear Dr. Sadaqat Ali, Many of us in our lives have avoided breakthrough negotiations, not just over weeks and months, but sometimes over years or even decades. I am in a real fix.

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My father has just turned 60. He is a patient of diabetic neuropathy in his legs and feet for many years and now he is showing signs of dementia. I do not know how to approach him. He has difficulty standing and walking,When a parent needs assistance and does not accept? Articles and we are very concerned about him falling. But what worries us most of all is that he continues to drive. If we approach him with our concerns, he gets angry with us. I am worried I will make things worse for him by bringing his attention to his health issues, even though I know he must be aware of his memory loss because it is so obvious. Because I have found it difficult to control my feelings and deal with the emotional pain when thinking about my father, I am worried about becoming emotional and upset when we do eventually discuss it. I want him to know more than anything that I love him dearly and will always be there for him.

Helpless Son.

Dear Helpless Son,

I am inspired to see someone who has decided to speak on a very important topic. There are a couple of fundamental principles you must not violate if you decide to finally step up to a break through negotiations after a long period of silence. You are more likely to succeed if you give up the need to succeed. Unless your father is in immediate physical danger, your goal in this conversation is not to convince him that you are right, but to open the topic for discussion. In fact, I’d suggest your goal not be to come to agreement about his current condition as much as to come to agreement that something is happening and that you should agree to criteria for taking steps in the future. In other words, after opening the discussion, you might say, “Dad, given that your health is being affected, and that others are more likely to be aware of how bad it is than you are, can we talk about what signs we’ll watch for that indicate you need to change your living situation. Don’t worry about convincing him of your current view–just involve him in discussing scenarios.

The second principle that helps you is keeping your cool andlead with facts, not stories. Your father may not agree with your story (“your memory is declining and you have neuropathy in your legs”). Your success in being persuasive depends upon your ability to share specific observations you’ve made–particularly those he may recognize. Share a series of these to help him see that it is a pattern, or he’s likely to write off the one or two you can recollect.

Generously express your love and discomfort while sincerely expressing your concerns. The predictor of success here is how safe your father feels with you. He’ll need to feel particularly safe when you’re talking about him adapting to a whole different lifestyle and reality. When he seems upset or worried or even defensive, step out of the content and hug and kiss him–or whatever is the way you two express affection for each other. Then collect yourself and return to the content when he’s ready. If needed, you may even want to break this up over time with agreed upon breaks in the discussion.

Now with all that said, you should expect him to go through a period of defensiveness. The first conversation may be confusing, upsetting, and provocative to him. You had years to get ready to talk; you should allow him some time to adapt to the new reality as well.

No matter the limitation, in parent’s case a child faces the challenge of convincing a parent that he or she is now placing him or herself and the public at risk.Your father probably knows he’s not as sharp as he once was but is likely to feel as if he’s plenty competent, but he might still not agree with you on that one. He also sees giving up his car keys as the end to the life he currently enjoys. Gone is his ability to visit his friends and relatives, to shop, and to go out to restaurants and movies. Gone is life as he knows it. You see driving as a horrible risk, he sees not driving as making him homebound, lonely, and dependent. And being dependent may be his worst fear.

How do you bridge this gap? How do you get him to understand that he really is softened to the point that he shouldn’t drive—short of him having an accident that makes the point for you? If you’re not careful, you end up saying he’s unfit and pointing out his deficiencies. He ends up talking about the hour a day he spends exercising on the mini-tramp and how his corrected vision is 20/20, and you end up in arguments that miss the point and get you nowhere.

So, here’s the big question. What can you do to make handing in his car keys something your father wants to do? Or something he is at least willing to tolerate?

Answer: Don’t equate taking away the keys with helplessness, boredom, and the complete loss of independence.

Here’s how.

Research before talking because as you prepare to ask your father to stop driving, think of ways to make the option more attractive. Before you even talk with him, check into methods to help him maintain his freedom.For example, I googled “neuropathy and driving” and quickly found that experts on the site recommend places where you can substitute the car with driving aids to reduce the effects of neuropathy—making it safe for your father to drive. You could also explore the options of public transportation, having friends or family members volunteer to chauffeur, using a cab service, etc.

Now, once you’ve done the pre-work, start the “no driving” negotiation with a distinguishing statement. You believe he ought to stop driving but don’t want him to lose flexibility or mobility. In fact, you want to make him just as mobile, without having to run the risk of driving himself. Establish a mutual goal and explain that you want to find a solution that works for him—one that makes his life just as rich and fulfilling as always.

Share the facts of your father’s most recent dangerous incidents and suggest that you have a few ideas that would remove the risk while maintaining his mobility. Share examples of ways he can get help—both immediate and long-term—and jointly brainstorm methods that work for him. Keeping in mind that we want everyone to win, hence don’t simply focus on the horrible dangers and the fact that he needs to stop driving. Instead, focus on coming up with a plan that makes the option acceptable to your father.

Your sincerely,

Dr. Sadaqat Ali

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