Couples Relationship Assessment - Section 7 - Now and Forever: Loving Your Life Together
The “I-TO-WE” Relationship Assessment is designed to help you gain awareness of the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship. We don’t know what we don’t know. This assessment series will begin the process of knowing the areas you need to focus on to Create an Emotionally Intelligent Relationship to be each others Best Friend during the Day, Lover at Night and Partner for Life.
As you progress through the final section, you might find yourself wondering how you can internalize all of the information presented, transfer the knowledge, and practice it in your daily life.
Many enter marital therapy, coaching, couple’s workshops or other programs and seminars with high hopes and good intentions. Too often, they feel frustrated, disillusioned and betrayed when promises fall by the wayside. They move on without any real awareness, skills or techniques they intended to learn.
Following through involves exceedingly more than changing your previous words, actions and behaviors. Real conviction takes constant practice and repetition until the principles and techniques become internalized at such a deep level that they are essential to who you are.
If you are in the midst of relationship distress and turmoil, you will be hard pressed to uncover the true core of your struggle. Becoming glued to everyday surface issues and problems, you will identify with superficial content while ignoring the deeper rhythm of your relationship dance. It is not until you gain the insight and self-awareness to look intensely into your own mirror that you begin “knowing.”
No two individuals share the same perspective. Recognition and understanding of your partner’s perspectives are precursors to healthy communication. Such insight is also a prerequisite for the feelings of mutual safety, trust, respect, and admiration. Once you begin to understand one another’s views of the current state of the relationship, you are in the right position to change and Co-Create the relationship of your dreams.
In Section 7 of the Couples Relationship Assessment, you will score statements that correspond to the following chapters from The Journey from “I-TO-WE”.
Chapter 21 - Parent Your Children for Success
New parents typically possess pure and genuine intentions to care for their children in every way possible. They wish to help their kids become happy, successful, loving and confident adults. Parents worry about doing everything correctly and instilling in their children deeply cherished family traditions, values and beliefs. Parents worry about their children from the time they are born. Care and concern never ends.
The majority of parents aim to satisfy the unique needs of their children at each stage of their development. Most invest enormous amounts of time, love and resources into their kids’ upbringing. Therefore, they feel annoyed and irritated when their children display defiance, selfishness or disrespect. Parents become confused and even alarmed when they cannot connect with or understand their children. Moreover, parents often feel guilty, ashamed and regretful when they grow frustrated and angry with their children. How can you be different?
Chapter 21 - Parent Your Children for Success
Meanings entail rituals, symbols and structures for you, your relationship and your family. They comprise words, actions, behaviors and objects that hold personal and spiritual significance.
They act as a lighthouse that reminds you where you have been and where you are headed. The beacon is the light of hope and promise for the future. It illuminates the beauty of all you have created together on your journey thus far and presents your chosen path for the future.
Are you ready to begin your journey to gain the awareness, learn the skills and practice the techniques to achieve relationship success at home, at work and within yourself?
Section 7 – Complete steps 1 through 9.
Step 1 – Your perspective of yourself - Rate your degree of agreement with each statement on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being a definite “yes” and 1 being a definite “no.” Using a black pen, write your score on the first line to the left of each statement.
Step 2 – Your perspective of your partner - Rate your partner according to how you feel the statement applies to him or her from your perspective. Using a black pen, write your score on the second line to the left of each statement.
Example: 10_ 8_- 1 - I am committed to our relationship.
If you feel you are 100% committed, place a 10 as shown above. If you feel your partner is only 80% committed, place an 8 on the second space.
Step 3 – When you have completed each of the topics, total all of the scores within each topic, and write the number in the space marked Topic Score. When you and your partner have finished scoring your Assessments, let each other know.
Step 4 – No matter what number your partner writes down, refrain from reacting negatively to your partner’s scores. Be supportive; do not get defensive, resentful, or angry. Begin to create safety in the relationship by thanking your partner for having the courage to trust you by sharing his or her true thoughts and feelings.
Step 5 – At the top of the “Our Relationship Assessment” page is a space to record the date and your names. Record your perspective of yourself score beneath your name. Next, when your partner shares the total topic score from his or her workbook, record it beneath his or her name.
Step 6 – Total both of your scores for each topic and divide by 200 to get the percentage score. Place this under the Topic Percentage Score heading to the right of your individual scores.
Step 7 – Total your individual scores for each topic; divide by 21. Place both of the average sums in the appropriate Total Relationship Score line at the end of the “Our Relationship Assessment.” Add your two percentages, divide by two, and place the number to the right of your individual Total Relationship Scores. This is the percentage score for your assessment.
Step 8 – In the “Our Relationship Assessment” section, using a black pen, place a checkmark to the left of each topic heading that has a Total Percentage Score of 80 or above. Celebrate these and focus on the positives they bring to your relationship.
Step 9 – Place a red X to the left of each topic heading that has a percentage score below 80. Be mindful of the topics that score between 60 and 79. Here, you have room to improve, but such areas are less dire than any topics with scores below 60. They are the areasthat need the most immediate attention.
Chapter 21 – Parent Your Children for Success
_______ _______ - 1 - I know how to coach my children to be Emotionally Intelligent.
_______ _______ - 2 - I take the time to be mentally present and emotionally available when my children need me.
_______ _______ - 3 - I listen to my children when they are afraid, sad, angry, confused, or disappointed.
_______ _______ - 4 - I put myself in my children’s shoes, and understand and empathize with their experience.
_______ _______ - 5 - I do not rush my children when they are trying to communicate a thought or feeling to me.
_______ _______ - 6 - I help them understand their emotions and let them know emotions are okay.
_______ _______ - 7 - I help them self-soothe and calm themselves during these discussions.
_______ _______ - 8 - I help them see new perspectives of the situation.
_______ _______ - 9 - I assist them in finding solutions to their issues and problems.
_______ _______ - 10 - I am an Emotionally Intelligent parent.
_______ _______ - Topic Score
Chapter 22 - Create Lasting Meaning for Your Relationship
_______ _______ - 1 - We know the importance of rituals, symbols, and structures in creating meaning in our relationship.
_______ _______ - 2 - We have created rituals, symbols, and structures to have safe, honest, peaceful, respectful, and loving discussions.
_______ _______ - 3 - We have created rituals, symbols, and structures to make each other feel safe, loved, and cared for.
_______ _______ - 4 - We have created rituals, symbols, and structures to build trust, respect and admiration.
_______ _______ - 5 - We have created rituals, symbols, and structures to satisfy each other’s required, important and desired needs.
_______ _______ - 6 - We have created rituals, symbols, and structures for romance, intimacy, and sexuality in our relationship.
_______ _______ - 7 - We have created rituals, symbols, and structures to manage and live with our problems peacefully.
_______ _______ - 8 - We have created rituals, symbols, and structures of friendship and connection.
_______ _______ - 9 - We have created rituals, symbols, and structures to honor our values, vision, and spirituality.
_______ _______ - 10 - We have created rituals, symbols, and structures to remind us to continue learning, stretching, growing, maturing and changing.
_______ _______ - Topic Score
Our Relationship Assessment
_______ - 1 – Commitment _________ _________ _________
_______ - 2 – Discussion _________ _________ _________
_______ - 3 – Awareness _________ _________ _________
_______ - 4 – Wounds _________ _________ _________
_______ - 5 - Conflict _________ _________ _________
_______ - 6 - Communication _________ _________ _________
_______ - 7 - Change _________ _________ _________
_______ - 8 – Avoidance _________ _________ _________
_______ - 9 - Behaviors _________ _________ _________
_______ - 10 - Needs _________ _________ _________
_______ - 11 - Problems _________ _________ _________
_______ - 12 - Compromise _________ _________ _________
_______ - 13 - Friendship _________ _________ _________
_______ - 14 - Connection _________ _________ _________
_______ - 15 - Values _________ _________ _________
_______ - 16 - Vision _________ _________ _________
_______-17 - Romance _________ _________ _________
_______-18 - Intimacy _________ _________ _________
_______-19 - Sexuality _________ _________ _________
_______-20 - Parenting _________ _________ _________
_______-21 - Meaning _________ _________ _________
Total Relationship Score _________ _________ _________
Congratulations for completing the “I-TO-WE” Couples Relationship Assessment. I hope you gained awareness about the positive and negative areas of your relationship – the first step toward a peaceful, joyous, passionate, and loving relationship.
My hope is that this assessment series is the beginning of a guide for you on a wonderful journey together as you begin to cross the bridge into your field of sunflowers. Remember to live each day honoring The 12 Principles of Emotionally Intelligent Relationships.
From now until eternity,
may you always remain each other’s…
Best Friend during the Day,
Partner for Life
©2008 – All rights reserved – Glenn Cohen - “I-TO-WE” Relationship Coaching
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Glenn Cohen is a certified relationship coach. He coaches individuals, couples and works with companies across the country. He conducts workshops, speeches, seminars and trains coaches, healthcare professionals, religious counselors, and corporations on the use of his program. You may contact him at 843-852-9828 or his website, www.i-to-we.org