Seasons Of A Marriage: Change Happens!

Dec 12
11:46

2008

Lee Baucom, Ph.D.

Lee Baucom, Ph.D.

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Marriages, and life, are all about change. Forget that, and you can place your marriage at risk. Learn how to help save your marriage by understanding the seasons of a marriage.

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I love to trail run. I love the exhiliration of running through the
woods,Seasons Of A Marriage:  Change Happens! Articles feeling the ground beneath me.  I'm usually just behind my
yellow Lab. I don't live in what anyone would consider to be the
Mecca of trail running.

But there is this one trail. . . I figure I have run it over 600 times. It
is my standby trail, about 7 miles long. After that many runs, I
know what is coming, and exactly where I am. I don't have to think
about it, I just go. My mind calms and I think of deeper things, not
the trivial everyday distractions.

One of the things I really love is watching the seasons change as I
run the same stretch of land. I watch the progress of each season
as I go: the growing warmth and green of Spring, the heat and
humidity of Summer, the cool colors of Fall, and the bitter solitude
of Winter. . .

Which led me to contemplate this about the seasons: Marriage is a
lot like the seasons of the year. Problem is, we don't act like it is.

We like to think that a marriage is going to be just like it was when
_______ (fill in the blank). We expect that we will always be
gushing with the love, passion, emotions, etc., that many feel at
the beginning of a marriage. Unfortunately, that is not reality.

So what if we shifted our thoughts a little bit? What if we started
to expect that marriage is more like the seasons of the year?

This changes two things:

   1. We stop pretending that nothing will change. We accept that
things will change, and that this is OK.
   2. We come to believe that the place we are will change.

In other words, things will not stay as good as we wish them to,
but they won't stay as bad as they can get sometimes. Life is
change. Life is shift. Life is seasons.

You may be reading this because you find yourself in the Winter of
a marriage. It can all seem so cold, so barren, so desolate. It can
seem that nothing will get better. We think back to the cool of Fall,
wishing that even the cool was back. If you aren't careful, you can
fool yourself into believing that something better can never come.

But Spring is always just around the corner, if we wait for it. I
know, sometimes, we decide to just move to Antarctica, camp out
in desolation. But if we just wait it out, Winter leads to Spring.

It may come slowly: kinder words toward each other, a hand held,
a hug accepted. But soon, the Spring thaw takes over and there is
growth. Spring can take some cultivation, action, effort.  Ever
worked a garden in the Spring?

I grow Banana trees in my backyard (yes, bananas can grow in
Kentucky!), and when I plant the stalks each year, it is in the early
days of Spring. The brown stalks have no leaves, look dead, and
just sit there. . . for what seems like forever! But I have faith. I
keep on watering. Then, one day, I notice a little green beginning
to break through the top. Then a leaf erupts. Suddenly, the plant
takes off!

But guess what? Even during the period when the plant looked
dead, it really wasn't. It was hard at work on the inside, getting
ready to shoot up!

Sometimes, marriage is the same way. Things just look dead, but
there is lots of activity on the inside. Both individuals may be
working hard to get things going, even if it is outwardly invisible.
Suddenly, rather unexpectedly, Spring arrives.

And Spring is followed by Summer. Those fun, lazy days. Life just
seems so much easier. The rhythm of life changes to an easier
pace. Life (or the relationship) is enjoyed and savored.

But just when you think you have it figured out, some leaves start
falling. Cool breezes kick up. In marriages, the assumption that
you finally have it all figured out gives way to new disagreements
and realizations that you really don't see things alike. The cool can
be breathtaking.  But it is easy to pretend that the cold is not
coming. After all, there are still warm days.

Until one day, there is frost on the ground. Conversations screech
to a halt. Tensions create distance. Distance leads to more cold. At
that point, both people are wondering "what happened to the
relationship?" How did it get so cold, so distant?

Well. . . that is the cycle of life! Winter does come. But so does
Spring.

Nothing in life, or a relationship, is permanent.  Bad times are
followed by good times.  And good times are followed by tough
times.  But even in those moments, the task is to not forget the
inevitability of change.  Then, it is a matter of doing what you can
while you wait the seasons out.

As cold as it is, I still drag myself out to run the trail, because
Winter may not be quite as enjoyable, it can be beautiful -- and
Spring is coming!

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