What’s Wrong with Being a Nice Guy?

Psychology Articles | December 29, 2010

Are you a nice guy who does chivalrous things and helps other all the time? You might discover that this is not such a good idea, and being nice doesn’t really work for you.

As a coach, I often work with men who can be accurately described as nice guys. Despite being told that by being nice they would be appreciated and get what they want in life, most of these men don’t really end up with these benefits.

How they do end up is bitter and frustrated, because they’ve believed that being nice guys is the way to an extraordinary life and they realize they’ve been deceiving themselves.

From a pragmatic perspective, the fundamental thing that’s wrong with being a nice guy is that it doesn’t work. It doesn’t produce the promised results.

We’re constantly being told by parents, women, media and popular culture that being nice as a guy is the way to go. However, the real-life results this kind of behavior generates are less than impressive. Let’s take a look at why this is happening.

First of all, while people have some appreciation for a kind, well mannered man, a nice guy is usually too kind and too mannered, making this his priority in life. Thus, he comes as a needy and insecure person who needs to please everybody.

This doesn’t work because nobody likes a needy person. Women tend to lose attraction quickly for nice guys, men tend to lose respect. The insecurity they project makes it hard for anyone to want them in their life.

The other major problem is that being nice in itself is a bad way to get what you want. Nice guys believe that if they are kind to others and they always help them out, others will treat them the exact same way.

Unfortunately, this often does not happen, which is why a nice guy will end up giving without getting. You cannot hide your own needs and expect to live a happy life.

Kindness is not enough. You need to also acknowledge your own needs, to be assertive, to ask for what you want and sometimes to end a relationship when you’re getting the short end of the stick. You may need practice to develop such a behavior, but it will be worth it.

Article Tags: Being Nice

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Eduard provides communication coaching and works with men with the nice guy syndrome. He also teaches people how to be charismatic and writes on his People Skills Decoded blog.