It's so hard to forgive an affair, you need to learn how. Few events in your life will be as devastating as learning that your partner has been cheati...
It's so hard to forgive an affair,
you need to learn how. Few events in your life will be as devastating as learning that your partner has been cheating on you. One of the first decisions you will have to make is whether to break up or stick it out - but if you decide to stay together and made a serious effort to make it work, you may find your relationship much stronger and secure as a result.
Keep in Mind That You're Not to Blame.
It may be that something you did contributed to your partner's decision to cheat, but in the final analysis remember that it was your partner, and not you, who undertook such hazardous behavior, and it can't be blamed on you. You cannot be beating yourself up over this - the fact that your partner strayed doesn't mean you're a bad person. You muse forgive yourself before even considering forgiving your partner.
Don't Use This as Ammunition
You're not at fault, but if you think you're going to hurl the affair in your partner's face every time you too have a disagreement, then you'll actually be more responsible for the death of the relationship than the affair was. You know things that make your partner feel bad - do you constantly bring them up to inflict pain? So why would you want to keep bringing up the issue of the affair?
Get in Touch with Your Feelings
It's not going to be easy to forgive your partner's affair, but before you even try, you've got to get over those initial feelings of betrayal and pain. As the doctor says, where does it hurt? Are you feeling embarrasses and humiliated, or betrayed and angry? Or pretty much everything? This is the best time to express all your emotions and understand them all.
Again, don't use this as an excuse to blame your partner or look for strategic advantage in future arguments. Explore your own emotions, but don't focus blame. The kind of emotions you're feeling are pretty strong, and there's nothing wrong with screaming, or crying. You'll get past that initial reaction sooner or later.
At this point, you'll be able to reflect more clearly and concentrate on the things you can do to forgive your partner rather than simply react to the affair.
Sit Down Together and Talk Things Through
You need to do it, and it's going to be among the more difficult things you've ever done, but you've still got to do it. With your partner - and only your partner - have an honest conversation about the cause of the infidelity. Such things that cause so much pain are difficult to discuss, but you won't be able to grow as a couple unless you've done so.
Discuss - calmly - what caused the affair. Knowing how each of you felt about what the other was doing may help you to be more considerate of each other in the future. How did you feel about the affair when you found out about it? How did your partner feel? There's no doubt that it's hard to hear the truth. Finger-pointing, blaming each other and generally acting adolescent aren't going to do either of you any good.
There's an old saying: "You can be right, or you can be happy." It's easy to keep playing the victim card, but it's much harder to acknowledge those of your shortcomings that may have contributed to the problem, and to work to correct them. These are some to the elements of good communication - not just raising your voice louder and louder until you're certain your partner heard you.
Build Yourself a Relationship that's too Good for an Affair
Moving forward is the next step of your planning, but only after you and your partner have thoroughly discussed the issue. Two critical things you need to establish are ways to improve your communication, and how to avoid the situations that led up to the affair. You can't just commit now to the relationship; you've got to commit to improving it.
Few challenges jeopardize a relationship as much as cheating, and learning to forgive it is also a challenge. It depends on your commitment, but if you're both willing, you can work to build a new future - and a new past - together. Sure it'll take some time and there'll be some painful moments along the way, but your faith in each other can be restored and you can work on creating tomorrow's memories.
