Dumb Lamp.

Ha...

Here is a funny story an ENT resident told me sometime ago.
It happened in the1st City Hospital in Moscow, Russia. It is actually a very good hospital in
terms of the staff experience. Though the buildings are 100 years old.
Doesn't matter.

So, the resident is on-call. It's midnight. Ambulance rolls in.
A man: U-U-U, M-M-M.
Something metal is sticking out of his mouth.

OK. It turns the guy was at home. Probably drinking.

Those stories about Russians and vodka are partially true.

Partially.

For example, I don't drink at all, even beer. Just don't drink.
Though, Russians are different. We all are.

I knew some guys who drunk 3 bottles of vodka a day for week straight. Those stories about
American colleges, where a student brags that seven people drunk a box of beer and vomited half
night, are nothing.

Kids.

Russia is the Land of Extreme.

Russians drink in company usually. It is considered not healthy to drink alone. Should be three.

Americans have their parties. Russians have their parties.

It's cold in Russia, you know. People are genetically healthier. So they can trash their bodies. To
equalize.

Then they talk about soul, self-respect, and world-wide problems. About Africa, for example. Or
about importance of Daosizm for international culture. The place of a human in Universe is also
a favorite topic. Long night talk.

Again, not everybody drinks vodka in Russia.
I don't. Never did. My father doesn't. My grandfathers and relatives don't'.

I heard Putin also doesn't drink much. Some wine during American visits. He prefers judo.

That man in the hospital maybe was sober.

Anyway. In a company he bet he can put a light bulb into his mouth.
This is why I say: Maybe.

So, the bulb gets in. It's it.

Stuck.

It turns: it is easy to put a bulb into mouth, but it is difficult to get it out.
The muscles locked in. Trismus. (Trismus is condition when your masseter muscle spasms. It
happens in people with tetanus. Masseter muscle is the muscle that clench your jaws).

I actually do not know how to explain it exactly.

It seems there are some anatomical and physiological reasons.

The muscles that open your mouth are relatively weak. In contrast the masseter is very strong
(Of course. You needed to crunch nuts and bones in the ancient past). So, the opening muscles
are probably tired first. But masseter is not tired. You can not get the bulb out unless you crunch
it.

At least, this is how I would explain it.

Anyway, the resident scratches the back of his head, then injects novocaine and a muscle
relaxant into the muscle and gets the bulb out.
He returns the bulb to the patient.
Man lives the room.

This where the fun starts. Five minutes later another man gets into ER. The same big metal screw
is sticking out of his mouth.

It turns, the previous patient called a taxi and told the driver a whole story. The driver decided to
try it himself. Just out of curiosity.

It reminded me: surgeon at med school told us how he was trying to get out a wide glass bottle
cork out of a patient's rectum.
The guy was experimenting with homosexuality or something like this. It was tough job. Glass is
too slippery for any forceps.

You think this side of the Ocean is better?

Think again.

Recently I read a book: Cases in Emergency Medicine. The book is printed in New York.

" A 24-year old man was brought to the emergency department. .. He had placed a firecracker in
his anus and lit it. The explosion brought him to attention of bystanders..."

In the same book: "We have removed from rectal ampullae a variety of foreign bodies including
pop bottles, razor blades and electric vibrators..."

People do dumb things anywhere in the world.

Children are very susceptible to foreign bodies problems at certain age - around one to four years
old.
Around one - one and half years, they crawl and bring everything they see into their mouth. Then
they choke.

This is why now toy manufacturers are required to make toys with the big parts, not fitting into
mouth.

Later children get different objects into mouth, nose, ears just out of curiosity. Does it fit?

It fits.

I remember. When I was a child, I visited a local children ambulatory clinic in Kazakhstan. Just
a routine well-being check up annually. Everybody did.

They had a stand. I always was fascinated by that display. That was a glass box. LOR-doctors
extracted different objects form the little patients. (LOR = larynx, otis, rhinos = throat, ear,
nose).

There was a hundred of the objects: coins, small balls, peas, seeds, buttons, etc. Everything that
can get in.

So, watch you children.

Also, if you see a light bulb, don't taste it.
Never, ever, ever try to do it at home. Don't stretch your dumb luck.