Love relationships often crumble, not due to a lack of love, but because of our inability to navigate the intricate layers that constitute intimate bonds. Society's guidance typically addresses only the most superficial aspects of relationships, leaving individuals ill-equipped to handle deeper emotional dynamics. This article delves into the reasons behind the disintegration of love relationships, exploring the three levels at which they operate: expectations, conditioning, and karma.
The first layer of intimate relationships is the expectations level, which is often the only one we are consciously aware of and ineptly prepared to manage. This level is characterized by our self-images and the desire for approval from others. We are often drawn to a partner based on their physical attractiveness, social status, and how they enhance our own self-image. However, this "approval agreement" is inherently flawed, as it is based on the premise of receiving something (happiness) for nothing (phony displays of affection), which is unsustainable in the long run.
The expectations level is destined to fail because it is narcissistic and does not allow the other person to be real, but rather a reflection of our own desires. It sets unrealistic boundaries around our partners, expecting them to conform to our ideals on various aspects of life, including sexuality, finances, and personal beliefs.
Beneath the expectations level lies the conditioning level, which is rooted in societal and parental influences that teach us to harbor self-hatred. This level is where many of our unconscious behaviors and reactions are formed, often leading to conflict and distrust in relationships. It is the battleground where we unconsciously reenact the emotional turmoil of our childhood, seeking to heal unresolved wounds through our partners.
Psychotherapy addresses the conditioning level, attempting to unravel the complex web of self-hatred and negative patterns instilled in us from a young age. It is crucial to understand and forgive our parents for their shortcomings, as this allows us to forgive ourselves and move beyond the conditioning level.
The third and deepest level of relationships is the karma level, which involves the lessons we are meant to learn from certain individuals based on past life experiences. This level dictates the core emotional themes and the unfolding script of our relationships. Our initial gut reactions to people can be indicators of our karmic connections, but these are often repressed by our conscious minds.
The expectations level, being a facade, cannot withstand the truths of the deeper levels. Lies and contradictions laid down at the beginning of a relationship will eventually surface, demanding acknowledgment and resolution. The key to a successful love relationship is the absence of lies and the presence of genuine, present-moment connection with the other person.
Instead of clinging to traditional values that often perpetuate lies, society should encourage authenticity and genuine emotional connections. By understanding and addressing the complexities of the expectations, conditioning, and karma levels, individuals can foster healthier and more fulfilling love relationships.
Love relationships fail not because of a lack of love, but because of our inability to navigate the complex layers that constitute them. By understanding the expectations, conditioning, and karma levels, we can learn to relate to our partners as real individuals in the present moment, paving the way for genuine and lasting connections.
(Adapted from Bob Makransky's book "Magical Living")
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