Couples Counseling -- Should You Go Alone or Together?

When partners enter couples counseling, they may not know exactly what to expect. They are likely in a crisis situation where they are turning to an impartial third party to help them establish healthier relationship patterns. Many husbands and wives, or other long term partnerships, develop unhealthy patterns that are hard to break without help.

Many times these destructive habits are modeled after issues from each partner’s childhood. If a man, for instance, had a father who was violent, he may also have anger issues. If a woman had a dad who was absent, she may choose a spouse who is unavailable in some way. Sometimes individuals choose partners so that they can work out issues from their childhood. That’s why people who divorce often end up selecting another partner with similar characteristics. It feels familiar and they’re trying to resolve past issues. By going to counseling, these problems may be resolved.

Each partner may wonder if they should see a counselor separately or together as a pair. The answer is there are pros and cons to each, so a combination approach might be the best of both worlds.

Together

When both partners meet together with their counselor, not only can they work on their issues together and discuss them as a united front, the therapist can also watch the two interact and gain much insight into the dynamics. If one doesn’t listen to the other or if one is rude and belittling to the other, the therapist will get an eyeful and begin to understand the struggles. Many people don’t even see or hear the way they talk and act. Filming them and showing it to them later could be an eye opening exercise.

Separate

Having each of them take a turn to come to see the therapist would allow each partner to say things privately that he or she may not feel comfortable saying in front of his or her spouse or partner. This is often an easier way of introducing difficult information. If a wife or husband is afraid of the other, for example, or doesn’t want to hurt the other’s feelings, he or she probably won’t speak up about this in the presence of his or her spouse.

Combination

Another method is having each person spend fifteen minutes with the therapist and the final half hour together. This will allow a fairly thorough amount of interaction. It wouldn’t allow for lengthy individual sessions but could work well for periodic appointments.

Going to couples counseling can make a lot of difference in a relationship. Simply getting an impartial third party’s view on the whole situation can be a turning point. When partners have many good components of their relationship, working on the other more difficult aspects will be well worth it. If a man or woman doesn’t resolve his or her own core relationship issues this round, he or she will probably select the next husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend with the same tendencies. Having a healthier relationship is better for the couple and will be a way of providing optimum role models for any children of the pair.