Overeager

Dear Jen,

It has been over two years since I had a man in my life. Finally, I have met a man named John* that I really like. I am just afraid that I am going to scare him away by being overeager. We met online and talked for two weeks before we finally met. Now, we have been on only two dates, but I can’t seem to get my mind off of him. I feel almost obsessed and am afraid he is going to see it too and be scared away. What can I do to calm myself down and get a better perspective on the situation.

Sincerely,

Kristin*

Dear Kristin*,

You are not alone. I think many of us (especially females) have found ourselves in the same situation at one time or another. You are right, however, to realize that this could scare John* away. Nothing seems to turn guys off faster then a woman who seems to worship him right off the bat. They start to wonder if there is something wrong with this woman since she can’t seem to see any of the flaws he knows he has.

Act friendly towards him, even affectionate within reason for this stage in your relationship. Unless he is a completely blind idiot, he will know you are interested. Do not make yourself too available or he is going to think you have no life. No reason to lie to him here, you just have to get yourself up off your couch and get a hobby, go to the gym, go out with your girlfriends, or spend time with family. Not only will this make you more attractive to him because you appear to have a life, but these activities will also help you get your mind off of him so that you do not obsess. By all means, do not start to talk commitment with this man yet, it is too early in your budding relationship and the “c” word is one of the scariest words in the English language for most men. You shouldn’t go that route until he uses the other scary word (love) with you first.

I know you are wondering how you can not be throwing yourself at him while you are in this super-emotional, needy state. You have to realized that there is a good chance that your feelings about John* are less about the man himself then about your fear of being alone. You may feel that if he goes away, your chances at love and a relationship go with him. This is absolutely not true! You say you met online so you know how many fish are out there in that big ocean.

You may feel like the pickings are slim since it has been two years since you have dated, but even that train of thought is wrong. Many people need to have time to really work on themselves and their emotional state of being. You can’t truly love someone else until you love yourself first. Maybe it is just now that you are finally ready. If this is true, then you will find many more prospects online just as you found John* if it doesn’t work out between the two of you.

I am not saying to give up on John*, just to give other men a chance in the meantime. You are not in a committed relationship, so don’t commit yourself so quickly. Keep your doors of opportunity open and keep communicating and dating other men until the right one is ready to make that commitment with you. John is not the last man in the universe, so don’t treat him as such. Remember, the most important person in your life is you.

*Names are changed to protect anonymity