I’m Sorry, I Banter
My daughter was on a vacation in Ibiza, an island off the coast of Spain, well-known as a party spot. She entertained us with stories of her escapades, especially the one about the guy from New York who unknowingly made out with a beautiful transvestite. His buddies, who were wiser, watched it happen and then teased him relentlessly for the rest of the trip.
This banter is typical of how men communicate with each other. It starts in the school yard where they banter to fit in. Being allowed to participate in the banter means you’re in. You’re okay. You belong. An outsider’s bantering and jokes will never seem quite as funny or witty to the members of the group.
Women don’t banter like that. To get a sense of belonging they share information and open up to members of the group. Women are programmed to build relationships and one of the ways that they do that is saying “sorry.”
Ritual apologies are a method of cementing goodwill,
according to psychologists. Dr. Susan Gaddis, who hosts a personal communications website, says it’s the feminine nurturing instinct and our desire to make everyone happy all the time that make us keep saying we’re sorry. Sometimes we do it to settle situation, or gain acceptance – a woman on her way up the ladder in the workplace may apologize to make people feel comfortable and find a way to fit in. There are lots of studies to show just how sorry we are.
Women are way more likely to apologize – sometimes even when we haven’t done anything wrong.You knock on a male colleague’s door. “Hello. I am sorry. You look busy. I can come back later if I am bothering you.” Oh how sorry is that woman??A man knocks on a female colleague’s door. “Hey, I want to show you something.” An apology was never a consideration.
Men find apologies distancing but we women are a sorry bunch. Consider how often you say, “I’m sorry” because when you apologize it appears that you are admitting fault, which immediately gives men an upper hand. John Gray, in his book “Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus,” says that men want to be admired and women want to be adored. In my estimation admiration comes from winning (hence the banter) and adoration comes from connecting (hence the apology).
We’d all be better off balancing our energy and women can start by reducing the number of unnecessary apologies that they give and participating in some banter. Are you up for that?
