Barry Shultz

How To Kill Your Printer

Are you tired of trying to convince your spouse that you need anotherprinter? Tired of using the old sluggish ink hog that you got 10 years agoas a hand-me-down from your cousin that only came to visit once justafter you bought that new Beer Meister?

After you get through with your printer, with my expert guidance, yourpartner will probably agree that it's time for an upgrade. Just a few of mytips will be all that you need. In some cases only one of these slick tipswill do the trick. You might get lucky. Let's get started.

If your printer is near a wall you're in luck. Sit on your chair directly in frontof your printer and put both hands firmly on the front of the printer. Nowwhile issuing a blood curdling Bruce Lee scream thrust your arms forward while imagining that you are going to push your printer directly through the wall and landing on your German marble tiled patio floor outside.

Ok, if that doesn't work try unplugging the printers connection to the computer. If you are using a parallel connection that's better because thecable is thicker than the new USB cables. Make sure the cable is stillconnected to the printer. Firmly hold the cable in both hands and faceaway from your printer. Now step slightly to one side and make likeyou are Joe DiMaggio at bat. Believe you are hitting that ball and followthrough. If you're lucky your printer will go over the fence before thecable breaks. Be sure to let go of the cable when you follow through.

Here's one of my favorites. Remove all of your cartridges and puncha hole in them and quickly put them back in the printer. Now do fiftyback to back print head cleanings while pouring motor oil into the paperfeed tray. It helps to remove the paper so the oil can get inside faster.If you see smoke that's a bonus. It means you're doing it right.

This next trick involves the use of a ladder and a feather. A chair can be substituted if you don't have a ladder. Any feather will do. Stand on the ladder or chair and while the printer is on hold the feather in one handand the printer in the other hand. The law of gravity states that both thefeather and the printer should land on the ground at the same timeproviding that there is no friction from air currents or whatever. Now,lets test Newton's law of gravity. Release the feather and the printerat the same time. Did they both land at the same time? It might takea few times to get this one right. Practice this one a few times.

Here is one that you can do with your partner. Get a couple of screw-drivers. One person can remove every single screw in the printerand the other person can put it back together. This is fun at parties.

Last but not least the most effective way to kill your printer and makeabsolutely sure it's a goner is let your kids play with it!

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