Anxiety with Women: Nature vs. Nurture

I want to talk about a topic that's been beaten to death somewhat. But I feel I need to get my point of view out there and shed some light on the topic of approach anxiety and anxiety with women in general. The most common theory given by many dating gurus is that this anxiety is a genetically hardwired emotion, part of our fight-or-flight emotional defense mechanisms.

They believe that in pre-historic times this mechanism came about due to the fact that in the small tribal communities that comprised our society, attempting to court or mate with women who were controlled by the alpha-male (the majority of them) of the tribe could get you killed. And as such it was a dangerous affair. They also claim that even if a male’s life wasn’t in danger, the knowledge of being publicly rejected by one female of the tribe would spread to the others and soon he would not be able to find a willing mate, and never reproduce. As a result, this emotional circuitry aided males in courtship and has been evolutionarily ingrained into our species. They argue that anxiety with women is natural. This is a very flawed argument.

Therefore, the concept of anxiety with women falls back to the age old question of nature vs. nurture. In answering this question, I observe one particular model: the type of guy that is commonly referred to as a “natural” with women. As I’ve stated in some of my previous articles, the natural has absolutely no concept of approach anxiety. It isn’t in their realm of understanding that women and dating can be scary to other men. This is why you see so few naturals coaching and producing material in the dating community.

So how did this so-called emotional circuitry skip out on these guys and not the rest of us? And if these guys are the naturals, if they’re the ones that successfully spread their genes on a larger scale than the rest of men, if you begin to trace it back through our ancestors, then shouldn’t evolution have weeded this mechanism out rather than endowed us all with it? By their logic, it should be all the guys who suffer from anxiety with women that are getting the girls, not the other way around. Are you beginning to see the problem with this theory?

These same dating gurus state that approach anxiety is something you just learn to live with on your way to becoming successful with women. While these gurus do have some success with women, you frequently find they are incapable of holding a deeper more meaningful relationship with a quality woman. More often than not, they are just as miserable with women today than they were without them before they started. They trade permanent long-lasting success with women for large quantities of short term unfulfilling success. Is this what you want for yourself?

If you suffer from anxiety with women, this is not something you were born with. This is something you learned throughout the course of your life. Unfortunately, your life experiences have taught you to harbor negative feelings in regards to women and dating which has resulted in poor inner game. However, the good news is that something that is learned can be unlearned. It doesn’t have to be like they say. This is not something that you have to or should live with. Their theories are just excuses they create so they as individuals can avoid dealing with the core problem: their insecurities. They teach you to mask your insecurities rather than face them. Through cognitive behavioral therapy, one can destroy approach anxiety completely and learn to build self esteem with women.

If you suffer from anxiety with women, it is not fair to you. You owe it to yourself to take charge of your love life and overcome your approach anxiety. I highly recommend you look into Dan Silverman’s inner game book: Seven Steps to Inner Game Power and create a habit for yourself of healthy inner coaching.

Yours in Revolution,

Tony V.