Dating Relationship: They Love You to a Point

Your dating relationship started with a blind date. Neither of you expected it to amount to much but lo and behold something happened that surprised the both of you. Turns out you hit it off pretty good; very good actually. This led to more dates and before either one of you knew it, you were in a relationship.  

Congratulations. Now much time has passed and things appear to moving to another level. But you're not quite sure. You know how you feel but when you try to raise the subject of commitment with your significant other, they change the topic. 

You understand it's a scary issue with major ramifications; that's why you have been very hesitant about even bringing it up. You figured that time and reality would dawn on your significant other and the two of you would then sit down and decide in what direction this relationship was going.  

They have not but this time you press the issue. The results are not pretty. Their stammering, defensiveness, and general ducking of questions is making you very angry so you decide to go for broke.

"Don't you love me?" Ouch. That's the atomic bomb of relationship questions. You set that one up figuring there is no wiggle room.  But they throw it right back at you: "Sure I love you and if you loved me you wouldn't ask me to change what we have now." Better call the roof repair company because the chances are that answer is going send you thru the ceiling.   

For some people commitment is fear personified. It's a door that locks behind them with no key to get out. They feel it's a lost of their freedom as well as identity since people are always going to see them as a significant other.

Why do people have this fear?   It could be a past relationship which ended badly after they committed but the other person did not. It may also have been purely observational; they witnessed so many family and friends whose relationship seemed to fall apart when they decided to take it to the next level i.e. a deeper commitment.  Your partner may have internalized those events and vowed there was no way they would ever be caught in that situation. Self preservation is a powerful motivator.

So what can you do? First off when you discuss commitment stay away from the "do you love me?" question. It sounds like you are setting them up for some kind of trap. That may not be your intent but to someone with a fear of commitment it smells like relationship blackmail off the starboard bow.

Instead share some of your concerns. Not just about the relationship but life in general and the future. Tell them how you feel towards them without expecting a verbal reciprocation. Encourage them to talk to people outside of the relationship that they are close to and feel they can trust. Also give them room to make their decision.

Now understand the answer they provide might not be the one you are looking for. They may decide to give you an ultimatum: either the relationship stays as is or it's time for the both of you to move on.  That's a tough call but it happens so be prepared.

If they do toss that one at you then feel relieved. It's best to know where you stand than to have to drag somebody that is unwilling into a deeper relationship. Committing because you "forced" them to do it will only spell disaster in the long run.