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Long-Distance, Bad News

What happens when the love of your life leaves to go back home? How do you manage a long-distance relationship, or in fact, should you even try? Dr. Dennis helps a reader understand his options.

Hi there, OK I need your opinion but in order to get that I'll tell you my story. In December of 2007 I met a girl at a cafe, asked her out and we began dating. At that time I was not aware that she was here on a holiday visa. She spoke little English being of Asian descent. Eventually our relationship turned serious as we began to see more and more of each other. At this stage she had changed her visa from holiday to student to study English so she could better her chances of being able to speak it. She found it harder than most. In 2009, February, she had to go back as her father was ill, dying. On her return she was stopped by New Zealand immigration and interviewed. It was revealed that she didn't know that the person who put her Visa together had done it the wrong way and not through the proper channels and she was asked for $15,000 from that contact. I then requested a copy of transcript at the New Zealand immigration interview to see a way out or forward and eventually had no luck with the first law firm. I've since found another who has been helpful and we've tried to refute the concerns but the case manager again denied her entry under the holiday premise as the case manager was of the belief that she wanted to come to NZ to continue her relationship with me and that she would be likely to breach the conditions again. It’s hard to apply under the partnership category as they want to see a couple living together for a year or a few months which we were not at the stage of. It is not easy for me to move to Shanghai to meet that requirement. It is heart breaking as she is upset as am I but how can we get through this, any suggestions even positive moral supportive one's would help me. I guess I'm just seeking a different opinion or something that may help me go forward as I feel like I'm carrying this weight on my shoulder, its heavy. ======================= Hello! If you only want a positive pat on the back to make you feel better, you've come to the wrong guy. My job (as I've defined it) is to give you reality, not try to blow smoke up your ass. That's not what I do, so if that's what you need, this is where you should stop reading and go ask someone else. You probably won't get any better an answer (unless they happen to know New Zealand immigration law - which I don't) but they may help make you feel better. First of all, you're going to have to accept this fact: long-distance relationships ("LDR's") NEVER work out! There are 1001 reasons why that's true, but trust me, it is. I've already answered 3 such questions so far this morning about 20 so far this week. They are fraught with all sorts of problems; jealousy, trust issues, frustration, expense and so much more that I will tell you this straight up: DO NOT believe you are going to buck the odds. You won't. If she can't be there with you and you can't be with her in Shanghai, this is simply never going to work - no matter how much you want it to or how hard you work or how much you promise each other it will. All you're going to do is prolong the inevitable and finally wind up as enemies; each hurting because of all of this. Further, consider how many incredible women there are right there in your own backyard! You obviously know how to approach them (as you did with this girl - congratulations on that by the way) and as such, they are all available to you. All you have to do is go and meet them. Now, on the positive side, you could continue to look for a new immigration attorney that might be able to help you, but just consider all the great women you're passing up to try to have something you're not going to have unless you can get this solved - and it looks like that's not going to happen here. In all these months, it would have if it could have. I'm sorry to deliver this bad news, but it's far better to give you reality than to try to convince you that doing the wrong thing - even for the right reason - is a good idea. I'm not that cruel. Best regards... ------------------------------------------------------------------ Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at Follow me on Facebook ( and Twitter ( Copyright (c) 2009Business Management Articles, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.

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Dr. Neder is known around the world as a tough, but fair relationship expert, dealing with all sorts of dating, sex and relationship issues from a man's perspective. He has written 14 books ("Being a Man in a Woman's World™" series) and is working on 2 others. He's also written hundreds of articles, answered over 30,000 reader/viewer questions and has been on over a thousand radio and TV shows. "Dr. Dennis" is funny, direct and intuitive and has a unique ability to get right to the heart of the issue.
Do you have a burning question that needs an answer? Are you a man that wants to better experiences with women, or a woman that wants to better understand men? To learn more, go to and You can also follow his micro-blog at:

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