Divorce generates drama. I remember riding those rollercoaster moments of my own divorce and wondering, "How is this movie going to end?" I personally love going to the movies. My favorites are the ones that have relationship plotlines that are rich, complex and surprising. There's the hero, the villain, the sidekick, the unrequited love. There's the trusted friend turned betrayer or the underdog who battles back to become victorious.
To transform divorce pain into life wisdom, we need to understand our divorce drama. One excellent resource I highly recommend on this subject is Debbie Ford's powerful book, Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life. The process is simple, unconscious and very powerful. Things happen in our life and we assign meaning to these events in order to understand them. So we begin to write the scripts, or our relationship "story" is born.
We start our screenplays often when we are very young children. For example, the young girl whose father travels all the time and breaks his promise to be at her ballet recital. The script and plotline of "Men don't show up for me" gets rewritten. This takes place at a subconscious level. So the lifelong casting call goes out looking for men to play that part again, and again. The plot is played out with new characters, or the same old characters in new ways, with you in the starring role. All the while the 6-year-old girl in her tutu and ballet slippers sits in the director's chair.
At one level our stories provide security and identity. Yet they become a limitation and keep us confined to a narrow range of what's possible in our lives. Some people get so attached to and identified with their stories they are reluctant to let them go. By recognizing our divorce drama, we can start to write new stories. Instead of our movie being a melodrama, we can turn it into an adventure thriller, or a heartfelt comedy or love story. Here are some ways to break free of your divorce drama.
1. Read the Script
Stop and identify your relationship story. Who have you cast as the villain and the victim? What have you assigned as the motivations of the main characters? Write out your plot synopsis in your journal so you can clearly distinguish your story. Knowing your story will help ensure it doesn't remain your default mode of operation. Spiritual Divorce has some excellent exercises to help you do this.
2. Take a Meeting
Take a big step back from the drama of your divorce. Realize we are all co-creators of our reality. At some spiritual level, we signed onto this project. It is a co-production between ourselves and our former spouses.
To harvest the wisdom of life's dramas, my mentor, Barbara De Angelis, recommends asking "If I ordered this experience, what was I thinking?" Ask your higher self what is the lesson you are intended to receive from this situation? Take the time to ask, and the still quiet voice of your own inner wisdom will start to answer.
3. Reconsider Your Director
Who is directing your movie right now? Is it a scared little 8-year-old boy or an angry 5-year-old girl who didn't get her way? If so, it's time to take them out of the director's chair and assign a bit part instead. To break free of the divorce drama, your director needs to be a grown-up who is ready and willing to create the life you deserve to have.
4. Review Your Movie
You can use your divorce drama as either an excuse or an inspiration. The next step is to review your movie. Would you give it two thumbs up? Is it one you'd love to see over and over again? So often, people who stay stuck in their stories use it as an excuse to blame others, to remain a victim, or to play small.
Does your story stir some anger in you? Great! Use it to tap into your passion and take action to break a limiting pattern, or release a situation that doesn't support you? The bottom line is each and every day we write a new script. It can keep us mired in the past, or it can motivate us towards a new future. The choice is up to you.
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