Carolyn Ellis

Divorce - How to Live in the Present Moment

Divorced people often find it tough to let go of the past. Instead of re-living the past or predicting the future, here are some tips for living powerfully in the present moment.

Divorce is tough, and for a lot of people it's hard to let go of the past. Here's a common question I receive from my clients: "My hardest challenge is staying in the now instead of the past and future."

Staying in the now means being fully aware, conscious and dealing with what is happening to us right here, right now. Living in the moment is where our true joy and vitality exists. Like exercising a muscle that hasn't been used much, with some discipline and tools you can make living in the present moment the rule, rather than the exception.

Human beings are very gifted at living in both the past and the future. Our ego-mind can take us back to the past, re-examining details of our lives and re-experiencing the feelings that happened. This is where we can get trapped in the "shoulda-woulda-coulda" internal dialogue.

We also are skilled at projecting into the future. We grind through "what if this happens, then what?" scenarios. When we live in the past or future, instead of creating our lives, we are simply reacting to our lives. It gets worse, though, because each time we hold these reactive thoughts, we solidify the neural connections within our brain that generate those experiences. It's like we continue to lay down the track within our brain circuitry to a destination we really don't want to be heading because it leaves us powerless and unhappy.

So how do you stay in the now instead of re-living the past or forecasting the future? The most important tool is to develop an awareness of your thoughts. With awareness, you start to be able to have choices rather than staying stuck in a default where you are reacting out of the past or future. When you notice yourself living in the past, stop and pause. You can even choose to give yourself a time limit and say "OK, I'll give myself 5 more minutes to stew about this but then I am going to move on."

Writing in a journal or speaking them out loud to yourself to break the trance. Expressing them can help drain these repetitive thoughts from your consciousness and leave you clearer to enjoy the present moment. Take some deep, belly breaths and bring your attention only to the movement and sound of your breath. This helps to quiet your mind. Discipline yourself to look just for the baby step in this moment. Don't get sidetracked trying to plan 50 moves ahead of where you are right now. Meditation, taking time to sit quietly in nature or mindfulness practices like yoga can help give you experiences of being in the present. A great resource on this topic is Eckhardt Tolle's The Power of Now.

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