How To talk To Each Other

Previous generations told children what to do, how to do it, when to do it and the only answer to the "But, why?" was, "Because I said so." Although some of that is still okay, depending on the issue, parenting skills have changed.

Parents are more likely to explain why expectations are what they are. However, with explanations can also come debates. Most parents still resort to "because I said so" when the argument becomes tiresome. Parents are busy these days. So are kids. Time is limited and very few parents want to spend that time arguing about rules, expectations, behavior or anything else for that matter. However, when parents let too many issues slide, typically the behavior of the child becomes a significant concern.  It is time to fine-tune your communication skills.

Parenting tip that rarely needs further explanation:  Listen to yourself.  How are your communicating with your child?  The Golden Rule applies. Speak to your child and request your child to speak to you in ways that are respectful. Abrupt and un-thought-out responses tend to be regretful. When you catch yourself speaking in a manner that is less than kind; stop. Take a deep breath and start over. Walk away if you must but stop the disrespectful talk, from either side. Then use a loving but firm voice, give eye contact and speak your peace.

Results often vary depending on the message sent. How many times have we said, "I want you to clean up your room, okay?" Of course it isn't okay with the child. If they would have wanted to clean the room, they would have already done it. The more direct and clear statement would be "It is time to clean your room." The message and directive is clear, no further explanations are needed.

Some directions need no further explanations. Phrasing the statement in specific terms avoids any possibility of conflict. A perfect example would be safety issues: When you say, "Put that knife down, you can cut yourself," you want the child to comply immediately. That is a clear direction with the explanation built into the command. If you were to say, "Put the knife down," you have left the child an opening for the "But why?" Listen to the message you are sending. Make it clear and self explanatory.

Other issues can and should be discussed with the parent making the final decision. Sometimes, on a limited basis, the decision can be that you allow the child to make the decision. Those decisions are important to the healthy development of your child. The children need to learn how to make decisions and the only way to do that is to allow the children to make the decision and be rewarded or suffer the consequences. So, when appropriate, discuss decisions that the child can make. Help them weigh the pros and cons. Then, let them make the decision and reap the reward/consequence. Remember, with every choice comes a consequence. When applicable, let the child make the choice. Let them learn from those choices. But, along the way, set the example as to how to make appropriate decisions.