Parenting - Dealing With Family Sibling Rivalry

Family sibling rivalry, or conflict between brothers and sisters, comes in all shapes and sizes and is often similar to conflict seen between adults in the form of loud arguments, the destruction of property or physical fighting. In some cases sibling rivalry does not require parental intervention and kids can be left to work things out for themselves. In other cases however parents do need to step in.

Once children pass the age of about three, although they may well engage in bad behavior because their lack of knowledge and experience has led them to make a poor choice, they will nonetheless have a fair sense of the distinction between right and wrong. Equally, children at this age also have a surprising sense of fairness and justice.

The secret when it comes to sibling rivalry is to know when to leave well alone and when to intervene and, when getting involved, to know how to guide children through their conflicts so that they understand not only that their behavior was inappropriate but also why their actions were wrong.

A good starting point is to consider the issues of safety, property and individual choice.

Clearly if a child's safety is at risk or property is under threat you need to intervene. Similarly if one child's action is interfering with another child's activity because his individual choice is being stifled, then again you need to step in.

Just as in society at large we set boundaries which should not be crossed, so children too need to learn that there are boundaries with respect to their brothers and sisters which must also be respected.

This said, as long as your children remain within these boundaries, then, more often than not, you should stay out of family sibling disagreements and let the kids sort things out for themselves. Indeed, children need space in which to express their thoughts and emotions and to learn by taking their own decisions and discovering the consequences of their actions.

It can often be difficult for parents to know just when to get involved in sibling rivalry and you can do more harm than good by either intervening too often or not often enough. However, in general, more parents will tend to leave the children to their own devices rather than get involved and one commonly heard phrase is "kids will be kids". While this is certainly true to a point, 'roughhousing' can quickly escalate and children can cross the barrier very quickly.

A great deal of sibling rivalry can be avoided if parents focus their attention on the root causes of conflict from an early age and remember that many of the tensions between children are similar to those which we are all familiar with between adults.

One final thing to remember is that part of our role as parents is to set an example for our children to follow. If children are able to see that even mom and dad have their disagreements but are able to deal with these in a fair and just way, and without resorting to heated argument or fighting, then this will provide the children with the best possible starting point for solving their own disagreements.