Tribute To A Rose

School will be out soon, and yet another sixth grade class will be launched from my school. They're off to junior high, and it's exciting to see how they've grown and changed. I've known most of these students since they were in kindergarten - seven years! Sometimes I feel like they are my own kids, and I have to let go. There is one girl in particular that tugs at my heartstrings. I'll call her Rose.

Rose is a small girl with a BIG heart. She's a rare one full of compassion and giving. We all knew she was something special when she entered kindergarten. "Do you need any help?" "You can sit by me!" "Do you want to join us?" "Are you OK?" These are words frequently uttered by Rose. Once I asked a group of girls with friendship problems, "Who in your grade is someone that can get along with everyone?" I wanted them to choose a role model. The girls unanimously chose Rose. That's a pretty high compliment, for Rose is one out of eighty-one sixth graders.

This week I had a visit from Rose. She felt in the middle of a situation and didn't know how to handle it. If she sat with either of two girls at lunch, then her regular group wouldn't sit with her. In my mind, I jumped to the conclusion that her regular friends were being snobby and exclusive. As Rose continued the story, I found out this wasn't quite the case. It wasn't that simple.

Rose's regular friends didn't want to be around the behaviors of the other two girls. They're considered loud, disruptive, and are frequently in trouble. Their behaviors are difficult to be around, and the regular friends didn't want to be subjected to that. The two with difficult behaviors know that Rose will not say no if they ask her to sit by them at lunch first. It all boiled down to Rose.

"Rose," I said, "what do you want to have happen?"

She answered, "I want them all to get along."

"Do you think that's possible?"

"No."

"What do you want?"

"Well, if I don't sit by Girl A or Girl B, they'll get mad at me."

"Is that the kind of friendship you want?"

"No, but if I don't sit by them, no one else will."

"Who owns that problem?"

"They do."

"Rose, what do YOU want?"

"I want to be with my regular friends."

And there it was. Rose named what she wanted, a skill that many girls and women find hard to do. She had been sacrificing her wants and needs in order to make someone else happy. That made her an easy target for Girls A and B to use the Friendship Weapon™ called possessiveness. They knew what strings to pull to keep Rose all to themselves.

Rose left my office a happier girl. She had accomplished clarifying what she wanted by contrasting it with what she didn't want. It's a relief for girls to be able to do that. Too many times I find that girls subject themselves to "friendships" which compromise their value systems. It's natural to do this a time or two, but it's problematic when this becomes a pattern.

The question "what do you want to have happen?" is a very powerful question in helping a girl find her own answers. I'm sending out a wish for clarity for Rose and for all the girls and women in the world!

© 2009 A Way Through, LLC