We Must Go to War

“I say chaps; our economy is not doing too well at all”. My bank balance is just too low and to be quite honest I would like to buy another million dollar house in the Bahamas because the other five that I have are just not enough for my lover and I – education for the children is so expensive.

What on earth can we do about this disastrous situation? Hey, I have an idea let’s go to war, that always boosts the economy and lets us build more arms and then afterwards we can rebuild the fallen nation and my company can go in and get all the contracts. Yeah, I like that! Last week my wife threatened to leave me, said that she would sue me for half the estate, 20billion dollars she would get, so I need to do something urgent about that. Maybe transfer all my funds to some Mickey Mouse state, declare bankruptcy, go to trial and then be set free – of course with the provision that I behave myself! Oh, I’ll behave myself all right with the my yacht, my string of woman at my beck and call and a bank account filled with the proceeds of millions from my fallen companies pension funds earnings – stupid investors.

I must not step ahead of myself just yet though. Court cases take years to produce results so my wife can be kept loose and with the odd million to keep her mouth shut. Maybe she will end in the AA clinic, take drugs or have an affair – that would soon settle her score. And also my companies have not yet been raided by auditors; they certainly would have a field day in my offices as nothing adds up at all. What’s one plus one? In my books it equals three hundred and forty six if you get my drift! I’ve been cooking the books and fooling people for years, all those silly workers who’ve invested in my ultimate pension fund scam; they have just given me my very own pension fund and plenty of it too. The funny thing about all of this though is that all of the paperwork leads to others doors, I can just pretend that I am the poor victim of my financial officer’s scams or that my Chief Executive was building his own empire behind my back – great being the boss and the owner don’t you think?

The important thing for me now though is not my deranged wife or my troubled company, both of them will take years to sort out and a few greased palms will soon ease my way if I am not already on my remote island. The problem now though is that I am not in the Forbes top 100 list of the world’s richest men. That is my dream, to be recognized and known the world over as being superior and above, to be talked about in the same hushed tone as Bill Gates and to be up there with the best of the best. And at this rate I will not get there. The economy has stagnated, I cannot take any more money from the investors, I cannot cook the books any more as they are already cinders and I cannot make the company seem any more valuable than it already is not. I just need the economy to pick up so that I will get the contracts, attract the investors, re-cook the new books and walk away with others billions and then my place will forever be secured!

So war it must be. As a leading politician it is not hard to gain support amongst the influential and the important persona of the country. Speaking honestly they probably all have similar desires to get richer, become more powerful and to do such at any cost. So a few hushed conversations behind closed doors, a few handshakes and promises will soon have the tanks rumbling, the planes diving and the submarines doing whatever submarines do. And I in my turn can then start making more arms and tanks through my arms division, supplying uniforms through my clothing section and of course my shipping division would then be able to do whatever ships do.

And once the war is over, hopefully not too quickly I will be able to send in my construction firms, my people and my mercenaries to protect and control my industries. And from that the billions will flow back into my numerous accounts under different names and it will all ensure that my name is on that list till the day I die. As a politician it would also nice if I became known as the man who brokered peace or donated millions to the starving (a little bit of odd change goes a long way in the right places). Maybe I could fly our during the fighting process to give encouragement to the troops in the field or make noises about halting the war as soon as a soldier dies – anything to make myself look good.

I must admit that making oneself look good certainly helps in court when faced with bankruptcy or a bitchy wife. I mean which judge want to be known as the judge that put the peace-lover, the donator or the helper behind bars or at the very least into financial ruin?

Don’t you see all you little people, that whichever way you look at it I am in control? I have the power to make all those amazing decisions that will affect you for the rest of your lives – and those very same decisions make me richer, nicer and more appreciated the world over and you little people just get poorer and poorer whilst believing everything that you hear”.

Ieuan Dolby
Author and webmaster of Seamania
July 2004