Sex is a “natural” urge, right? We don’t need to think about it the same we must think in school or at work, right? So, ADHD cannot possibly create di...
Sex is a “natural” urge,
right? We don’t need to think about it the same we must think in school or at work, right? So, ADHD cannot possibly create difficulties in the bedroom, can it? Oh, yes it can.
For many adults, the unrecognized symptoms of ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) can work against both emotional and sexual intimacy. After all, a satisfying sex life requires concentration, and if you have trouble staying focused in school or at work because of ADHD–especially after the stimulating novelty of a new semester or job ends–you might have trouble staying on task when it comes to sex, too! Especially in a not-so-new relationship.
It doesn’t take a tantric sex guru to conclude that the ingredients of a couple's great sex life seldom include these common ADHD traits:
* Hyperactivity, impulsivity:
People with a high degree of hyperactivity or impulsivity might rush to start—either the relationship or sexual engagement—and quickly grow bored. They don't always know that their "brain wiring" creates this effect, though, and will sometimes blame their partners for growing dull or simply wonder where "that loving feeling" went.
* Distractibility and inattention:
These two traits can generate challenges in getting started, paying attention to details, and maintaining interest through to completion. See where this is going? (Or not going, as the case may be.)
* Lack of initiation and motivation:
One less well-known trait associated with ADHD is mustering the motivation to initiate a task or project and even enjoyable activities such as making love. “My wife is always willing to have sex with me and seems to always enjoy it,” says Alex. “Yet, she never initiates. I’m sure this isn’t social or gender conditioning. She simply initiates very little in life.”
* Hypersensitivity to sensory stimulation:
After one year of dating, Jessica’s boyfriend still had trouble hugging her fully. “He would hold me with one arm while he pushed my other shoulder away with his other hand,” she explains. “I interpreted that as him not wanting to be close to me and ultimately that he didn’t love me.” He said he loved her but, viscerally, his action spoke otherwise.
In fact, Jessica’s boyfriend might have had something called sensory integration disorder, a condition commonly associated with ADHD. Also called tactile defensiveness, it’s thought to be a “filtering” problem within the nervous system, wherein, for example, a partner’s delicate touch on their skin essentially presses an alarm button in their brain, triggering anxiety or even anger. As a result, certain types of foreplay feel akin to torture.
* Collateral Damage: Too Much Conflict, Calamity:
Let’s face it. ADHD domestic fall-out (forgotten promises, chores left undone, disorganized piles of stuff, too many arguments) can chill the warmest ardor. “We have no sex life,” Greta complains. “I no longer feel like his wife and lover, just the maid—or his mother. Yuck!” The whole thing becomes a vicious cycle; Greta won’t get close to her husband because he’s a jerk, then he’s more of a jerk because he gets no affection.
* Hyperfocus “presto, change-o”-- losing the loving feeling:
In general, the term hyperfocus used in the context of ADHD refers to being so engrossed in a task or activity that everything else fades into the background, to the point that it ceases to exist. Sometimes, this offers advantages, such as when learning a new skill or solving a complex problem.
In the early days of a courtship, however, the adult with ADHD might find the stimulation he or she craves by hyperfocusing on a romantic partner, lavishly showering attention and flattery, especially in the bedroom. (After all, ADHD is all about the "search for stimulation," and what is more "stimulating" than a new love?) Trouble is, when the biochemical tidal-wave ebbs, as it eventually must, passion rolls out with it.
Yes, the early days of love stimulate everyone’s biochemistry, ADHD or not. But as those feelings naturally fade, some people make the transition into a more grounded bonding of shared values, interests, and attraction. Others, however, stay “addicted to love” and keep seeking anew supply. If you or your partner fit this description, such knowledge won’t immediately improve your sex life. It might, though, help minimize feelings of hurt and sexual rejection and pave the way towards pursuing evidence-based strategies for treating ADHD's more challenging aspects.
