When someone you care about has cancer, your reaction may be to focus all your attention on them. It is human nature. But it's important that you also get support, and that means sharing how you feel with those around you.
People tend to take on too much responsibility when trying to support a loved one with cancer. They work to avoid troubling others. They try to ‘tough it out’ alone at the expense of their own emotional well being. I discuss this tendency in my book Their Cancer – Your Journey, and suggest ways to lighten your load by sharing it.
A problem shared is a problem halved”, the old saying goes. There is a lot of truth in that! When you are suffering alone, the chances are that you will feel much worse. The problems that you have will grow into impossible challenges, and you may despair of how you are going to deal with them. You may find that one reason why you are choosing to suffer alone is fear. If you are afraid to feel your emotions fully, this may make you hold back from sharing them with others.
To overcome this, you can make a conscious decision to dive into the centre of the emotion. All too often we believe that if we give in to a feeling it will conquer us. We have been taught that we need to control our emotions – think Spock in Star Trek, or the stiff upper lip of us Brits. In fact the truth is almost the opposite. If you dive into the emotion, let it wash over you, you often find that at the centre there is nothing there. It is a little like the eye of the hurricane. At the centre of even the strongest emotion there is a patch of calm, where the feeling is quieter even though it may still be there. So the fear that stops you from allowing your emotions to flow is keeping those emotions in the forefront of your mind. You can do this process of diving into the emotion very easily.
The emotion is absolutely desperate to be felt. All you have to do is loosen your chokehold on it for long enough to do that. If it makes you cry, then cry. If you feel the need to shout then do that too. The people around you will get over it.
Now you have handled your fear of how you feel, you are free to connect with others. They could be other friends or relatives of the person who has cancer, with whom you can share empathy and support. They could be other people whom you care about and who care about what’s happening to you. They could be anyone who already qualified to be your emotional sounding board. You could get some Guatemalan Worry Dolls and tell your troubles to them. Or you could go deeper and say that you will share your feelings with God, the universe or the angels if that is your preference.
Extracted from Their Cancer – Your Journey ©2008 Anne Orchard
Caring for a loved one with cancer can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Only Superman or Superwoman can do it alone. Don’t be afraid to recognize your limitations. Find a way to lessen the burden on your mood and spirit. Share your experience with a spiritual advisor, confide in a close friend, or meditate. It’s important that you do whatever is necessary to ensure that your health and well being are maintained as you strive to support your loved one.
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