When You Say Yes But You Really Mean No- Your Body Becomes Your Voice

Sam lived in hope that his best friend would hear him, support and encourage him instead of the constant judgments and criticisms that he heaped Sam’s way. Each time the hope was dashed, yet Sam couldn’t allow himself to think anything but positive things about his friend. He thought he just had to try harder to win approval.  Sam put up with this relationship for years.  Then he began to develop headaches the night before he was to meet his friend. He would break out in a rash around his throat , his lips would be dry and cracked and his mouth very dry. His friend was concerned and offered encouragement to go to the doctor, and researched on the Internet for causes and cures. He was not allergic to anything except standing up for himself. The rash around the throat and his cracked lips were saying that they were compelled to exhibit Sam’s unvoiced needs and the pain at not being heard. His body found a  most effective way of getting his what he needed. Sam had to be sick before he was treated in a decent way because he couldn’t bring himself to speak his true feelings.

Maggie was the epitome of a respected professional woman. She was well dressed, courteous, and presented herself as obliging and efficient. She would be horrified at the mere whiff of any impropriety in public and took great pains to maintain the image of perfection. Yet she was anxious that she would be seen as imperfect and was not satisfied with her life. She couldn’t imagine having base emotions like fury, lust and revenge. These type of emotions were thought to be uncivilized and therefore despised. Maggie had denied herself some of her humanness with this attitude.  When she didn’t want to be responsible, or put others first, she was not able to be in touch with these natural emotions. So her body accepted the emotions on her behalf and provided an outlet. She began to have severe diarrhea just as it was time to keep an appointment she didn’t really want to attend. That  provided a legitimate, tangible and acceptable reason to avoid that meeting.  Diarrhea comes as an uncontrollable urge, many times in quick succession. It cannot be suppressed or controlled except with drugs.  If Maggie had allowed herself to experience, accept and speak about how it really felt to be such a paragon, it would look, smell and have the force of her diarrhea. But she couldn’t accept those parts of her, and her body had to do the job she couldn’t do for herself.

Rachel loved the feeling of being needed by others. It meant that she was a good person, popular, accepted and approved of.  She would go out of her way to offer her services even before a request was made. She became known as highly obliging and very reliable. Rachel had little personal life of her own, and she found it easy to avoid dealing with that by being absorbed in the lives of others, and getting a pat on the back for her good deeds. Exhausting herself in the process was a bonus as it meant that she didn’t have to focus on her own pathetic existence.  She said ‘yes’ even when she really meant ‘no.’  In her forties, Rachel began to experience bouts of sciatica, neck, shoulder and low back pain. Pain killers did little to solve the problem in the long term. She had little choice but to focus on herself. Her body gave her the strongest and only message she would be willing to hear. With therapy, Rachel came to appreciate that  she could make better relationships and have a  firmer sense of self-esteem if she listened to her true voice.

The body is forced to become a loud vibrating garish and intrusive media system in helping you see and hear what you have been neglecting . If you are cut off from your true self and needs,  your body will let you know that the separation has been for too long, and it is a warning sign to heal the rift. The body will do so in ways that are especially and uniquely meaningful to you. Health care professionals are vital in easing the suffering and  dealing with many of the most wretched of symptoms.  But the messages will continue and speak for your true self until you hear it all and honor it.

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.