Jack Kean

I Am Old, Married and Have A Dog

They say that married men live longer, but why?  Could it be that they spend more time on the couch and less time in singles' bars? 

Studies say married men live longer than single ones and even having a pet can help you to a longer life. Putting these two factors together, I’m set for a few more years. No one, however, has told me why married men live longer. So, in an untiring effort to keep you abreast of my interpretation of the aforementioned information, let’s discuss why married men live longer and pet owners too.

The first thing that comes to mind is that single men actually get off the couch and out of the house after 7 PM. Being out and about means you are more likely to be run over by a drunk driver; be the victim of a drive by shooting; be featured in an episode of Cops; or have a heart attack chasing a woman who has already been caught more times than a forward pass from Dan Marino.

Married men find it easier to sit on the couch and watch TV. This is true because of the “conversation” that must ensue if he asks his wife to go out. While they vary, the “conversation” happens for us all.

When a single man decides to go out he hops up, makes sure his pants are on, grabs his wallet and leaves. A married man says to his wife, “Honey, let’s go out.” She responds, “Where.” He answers, “Well I haven’t figured that out, but somewhere to get a drink and maybe a sandwich or pizza.” Wife: “I have to know where in order to know how to dress.” Husband: “Okay, let’s go to Harry’s Pizza.” Wife: “Everybody goes there I’ll have to get dressed.” Husband: “Then Frank’s Burger Parlor?” Wife: “Nobody goes there anymore and the last time we did there was a hair in my bison burger.” Husband; “I don’t care where we go, let’s just go.” Wife: “Give me a few minutes to get some makeup on.” We all know what a few minutes means. The single man has ordered a pizza and downed a beer before the married man starts his car.

But of course that is not the only reason married men live longer. Single men are robbed more often because they forget to lock the front door. They die in fires because there’s no wife to tell them to turn off the stove. They have asthma attacks because no wife is around to remind them to change the air filters and dusting seems like a total waste of time. Left to their own devices it is a wonder that men are able to survive at all.

Single men get less exercise, except for chasing women. Since there’s no wife to get away from they don’t take up golf or tennis or join a fitness center. They also don’t spend their days planting shrubs and pulling weeds in the flower garden. So they lounge around wondering whether to watch TV, play a video game or have some wings and beer.

As for pets; when I have completed the tasks assigned by my wife and sit down on the sofa to watch TV, there’s my English Bulldog, Stonewall. At first he sits with a rubber toy in his mouth and watches me. He never blinks or takes his eyes off me. If that doesn’t work he puts down the toy and starts a little whimper which will eventually graduate to a bark. So I get up and play with the dog. It is this exercise, along with his walks, that surely will make me live longer.

Of course we married men love our wives and pets, after all thanks to them we have lived long enough to be modern seniors.

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