Top 10 Reasons Why Conservatives Love George W. Bush

Ten Reasons Why Conservatives Love George W. Bush

A satirical and humorous look at the man conservatives dub one of the greatest chief executives to occupy the White House

10. Great Articulation. During his press conferences I’ve yet to hear the president mispronounce a word or desecrate the English language. Moreover, I’ve never heard him utter anything of a moronic nature. Well, except for the time when he said "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.” And lets not forget he also stated, “I am honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein.” On second thought, it’s clear that we have to deviate from the articulate angle. What a pity!



9. He is so charismatic. Whenever I see the president, visions of Howdy Doody spring to mind. For those 30 and under, Howdy Doody is the puppet from a 1950s children’s TV show. And just like Howdy, Bush too has an exaggerated smile. Another similarity the two share is that they’re both stiff as a board. Which explains why the president’s decision to invade Iraq was equivalent to that of a puppet on a string.

8. His patriotism. Unlike many young men who opted not to go to Vietnam, Bush served his country by enrolling in the National Guard. And as soon as those military records are found, just like the weapons of mass destruction he adamantly refers to, everyone will appreciate this man’s love for his country. What a man, What a man!

7. He always tells the truth. That’s right our president is so honest you can believe everything he says and then some. And for anyone who disagrees with him, they’re depicted as "lip scrunching, jaw-jerking, anti-patriotic liberals.” Case in point: If Bush says John Kerry is too progressive to be elected president, it’s probably true. After all this is the man who told us umpteenth times that Saddam Hussein has ties to Al-Qaeda. And on that note I can honestly say, Dubya gives new meaning to the phrase TALKING LOUD AND SAYING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

6. His sense of humor. For instance, whenever the president comes on my TV screen I automatically burst into laughter. Yeah, that silly grin and lumbering walk gets me every time. Perhaps if he stopped flashing that bogus smile the laughter would stop. Or perhaps not.

5. His Moral Fiber. Oh man what a saint. Besides doing a “little drinking” in his youth, this guy is so morally pure I want to tell the whole world. I bet you won’t catch an intern kissing this president Besides, he’s too busy extolling his role as the “war president.” Ah, why can’t we all be this perfect?

4. His intelligence. Honestly, have we ever had a commander-in-chief who was so smart? Hey, can you spell dummylicious? pronounced dum-e-lish-ous. Don’t worry he can’t either.

3. Compassion. He has it in droves, especially when targeting special interest groups and organizations. For example, lauding the immorality of same sex marriage to secure his conservative voter base. That’s right George, when your administration fails to scare everyone with its vague terrorist threat alerts, the next step is to play the family values card. The president is probably thinking, if I can’t scare the American people into re-electing me by raising the terrorist alert when it suits me, I will remind them about those men and women who get a thrill out of drilling each other instead of the opposite sex. We humorists call such behavior the incorrigible jabs of a real GIRLIE MAN.

2. Honesty: Oh how can I say it? Let me count the ways. I would love to but time doesn’t permit me to engage in such fantasies.

1. Major Insomnia Reliever: Within seconds after seeing or hearing the president, I quickly fall asleep. So who needs over the counter sleep aids when George W. Bush is available? According to sources who requested anonymity, the president is so boring, he would make a dead man rise from his grave. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ! And there you have it, 10 reasons why conservatives love George W. Bush. And if you can’t figure out the logic behind this commentary you are truly an admirer. So, what does that say about you?