Vegetarian Stand-Up Comedy
You know what I always hear from people who eat meat... Yeah, I'm talking to you out there. I always get this for some reason. They say, "Animals eat each other, so we should be able to eat them." Yeah, well, you know what? Animals have sex with each other all the time. In fact, the whole world is like this sprawling Ron Jeremiah porn video, except with more story. And... what's to say I shouldn't be able to get some of that action, eh? I'm sure I'll be able to meet this cheetah who tells me he's in to bondage and wants to go down on me faster than a gazelle in pursuit.
Something else I hear often from these same people. They seem to feel very content when they're telling me how good meat tastes. I'll be chewing on french fries while I hear this 400 pounder eating a quarter pounder, telling me how much he loves meat. And between the wheezing and the snorting, I can make out this voice coming out from this man, "Meat tastes good. Mmmmm, I love meat." Half an hour later, five guys are trucking this guy to the nearest hospital. I was there with him, too, when he had the heart attack. I told him, I said this, "You really need to let go of things that don't love you back."
He'd try to moralize with me, "Hey, man, you really gotta eat meat, it tastes great." I'd reply like any sane person, "I actually appreciate the health benefits of Vegetarianism." The guy gets all upset, and tells me in his loudest voice, "You know, Vegetarians have heartattacks, too!" I thought for a while and said, "Yeah, that's true. But when I have a heart attack, I won't need an emergency lyposuction to get through the hospital doors."
Needless to say, he goes back to his old argument. "Meat is good. I love it. It tastes great. Here, you gotta try it! Just a little piece!" I'm like, "Get the fuck away from me, man. You're in the hospital for having a heart attack from eating that shit, and you want me to get sucked into that plague?" I'll tell him how it is, "Dude, you wouldn't eat it if it didn't taste good?" He nods. So, I tell him, "Why haven't the doctors removed your tongue then? If they did that, you'd stand a moderately good chance of living past thirty, thirty five maybe, by now."
He asks me again, "Why won't you eat it? It tastes good!" I have to say it like it is. I have principles. I'm sorry that I don't agree with your philosophy of mass exploitation. I have morals. Some of you out there might disagree with me. I know it. What if this guy comes up to you in two weeks, holding a kentucky fried fetus, or a baby-on-a-stick, and says, "Come on! Try it! It tastes good!" He'd take this huge gaping bite out of the torso of that baby-on-a-stick, smile at you with a little ribbone stuck between his teeth, and then yell again, "It tastes good! Come on! Try one bite! Just take one hand from my kentucky fried fetus!" Yeah, I know what you'd all say, "Sorry, man, I have morals." Yeah, yeah...
I hate hunters. I just simply and downright hate them. Anyone else here hate them? Yeah, I always hear hunters say, "I think it's the eternal destiny of humanity to live outside, to track, and to hunt, as part of our heritage." I took another look at this guy. The rancid stench of beer and baccon is on his breath, forming into this meld of what may very well be Calvin Klein's next scent. His hands are covered in fur, or... some type of moss, not sure which. I don't see how he could hunt very well, since his beard is so long, I bet he has trouble not tripping on it. His eyes are close together, he's hunched over, and... I just gotta say it to him, "You know, dude, I don't think you and I are from the same species. Plain and simple. You're a fuckin' neanderthal that comes out of the hills to hunt and kill when knocking up your sister gets boring. Go back to your cave and leave those poor creatures alone."
He'd get all pissy and, say again, "It's the eternal destiny of the human species to hunt!" Judging from this guy, I knew he wasn't going to say that it's our "eternal destiny of the human species" to do something like, say, read books.
A few meat eaters will come up to me and say something like, "We're superior. Mankind is superior to animals and we have the right to do what we want with them. We're stronger, we're smarter, we're superior." For a few moments I was bit confused. "Wait a minute," I said, "I've heard this argument before. Yeah... I've definitely heard it before. It was coming out of a speech made in the 1930's in Germany... Yeah, I didn't like the argument then and I really don't like it's new form very much either."
"No, seriously, we are superior, so we can do what we want with them," they keep saying. Apparently, this superior being failed to make a rather simple connection with what I just said. So, I try a different route with them, "Hey, you know who I'm superior to? Babies. Man, they're so inferior to me. Dude, they can't even walk and you think I should respect their rights? Hell no. Come on, get a Kentucky Fried Fetus with me. Dude, they taste good! Just one bite!" Yeah, I used a very simple piece of reasoning there. He'd say something like, "But a baby is going to become smart!" Doesn't matter. Doesn't fuckin' matter. Does that mean we can go to a school for mentally retarded and just have a barbecue? Mentally, I am superior to them, too. In fact, I think I'm superior to this guy talking to me. "Does that mean it's okay that I hack off your head and just suck out the blood from your veins?" He didn't like that idea, either. But, it didn't matter. I think he was shot latter that day accidentally by the hunter.
And then there's my favorite argument of all time. "If we stopped killing them, they'd overrun the planet." I love that argument. Yeah, it doesn't matter that humanity is BREEDING COWS AND CHICKENS AND PIGS BY THE BILLION. I mean, this totally contradicts the argument that humans are mentally superior. This jerkoff thinks, "Hey, if they don't kill them so we can eat them, I'm sure they'll still keep breeding them en mass, not knowing the dire consequences that lay ahead." Let's make a fuckin' post-it note right now. It can say something like, "If you don't eat them, don't breed them." I'm sure most of you would agree with that logic, but I'd prefer something far more simple and easy, like, "You're fuckin' stupid," or "Don't talk to me."
I'd be in line one day ordering a tofu dog, and then I hear some fatass from behind yelling, "Hey, you're not saving any animals here." I turn around and, hey! It's our friend from the hospital. "How are your stretch marks feeling?" I'd ask him. He'd start up a new argument with me. "Yeah, it's okay to eat animals because it's part of natural selection! It's the cycle of life!" Really? Is it the cycle of life? This from a man who would eat a kentucky fried fetus if tasted good. "Wow, I didn't expect you to go all scientific with that argument," I told him. Really. It's the Cycle of Life. Does anyone here really believe that? I told the guy, I said, "Look... When those doctors decided to save your life when you had a heart attack, maybe they should have said, 'whoa whoa whoa, stand back... this IS the cycle of life -- fat fucker had it coming.'"
This guy won't stop. "Humans have teeth made for eating meat!" Really? Well, how else are we supposed to eat a kentucky fried fetus or a baby-on-a-stick? Do you think you can crush that tiny ribcage with just your tongue? Come on, people, reason with me! If teeth are made for eating meat, why discriminate? Oh, come on, ya' bunch of racists. Well, okay, so, we can use things for what they're made for. Teeth are made for eating flesh, guns are made for shooting, and bombs are made for exploding. I mean, if I really gave this guy a bomb, disguised as a cheeseburger, would I be doing anything, but using it for what it was made for? Jeeze, I could see that guy just crunch into that burger like it was japanese folding paper version of a burger. He doesn't even have his real teeth anymore, that was just an argument. He has the jaws of life put into his mouth, just like that anti-hero in the James Bond movies. I tell ya', he'd take one bite into that cheeseburger bomb and his head would fuckin' explode. The little pieces of flesh and gray matter would immediately be deep fried in his honor.
So, finally, this guy says, "But, an animal is already dead. I'm not killing it. If it's dead, it's okay to eat." I looked this guy over, "Dude, you barely pass for living. You had a heart attack a month ago. Your blood pressure is 350 over 120. Your heart beats so fast, I can hear you getting fatter from a mile away. I just put my ear to the side of the curb and I hear this thud noise."
I try to narrow down his argument a bit more. He says, if it's dead, he's not killing it, and it's okay to eat. Oh, wait a minute... Let me make a phone call to 1960. "Yeah, Martin Luther King, apparently... if you stop riding the buses, they're still going to be opposed to treating Africans equally. No, no, this mountain of a human being told me.... Yeah, by the way, there's this time where you have to be careful because someone is -- hello? Hello?" Fuckin' lord of the civil rights movement hangs up on me because I tell him that boycotting is useless. Before I could warn him of the assassination attempt, too.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Punkerslut (or Andy Carloff) has been writing essays and poetry on social issues which have caught his attention for several years. His website www.punkerslut.com provides a complete list of all of these writings. His life experience includes homelessness, squating in New Orleans and LA, dropping out of high school, getting expelled from college for "subversive activities," and a myriad of other revolutionary actions.