In a world where countless books and seminars promise to save marriages, it's perplexing that divorce rates aren't plummeting. The key to a lasting union may not lie in what couples are learning, but in what they're overlooking. This article delves into the two critical, often-missed elements that can transform a troubled marriage into a thriving partnership.
Couples often seek out my guidance after exhausting every available resource to salvage their marriage. They share tales of temporary solace from various programs, only to revert to their old patterns as time marches on. This phenomenon raises a crucial question: With the abundance of marital advice at our fingertips, why aren't we seeing a decline in divorce rates?
For 27 years, I grappled with my own marital woes, consuming every piece of advice I could find. Yet, the common counsel to "do the right thing" and expect problems to vanish proved ineffective. If this approach were valid, we'd witness a significant drop in divorces. Instead, the divorce rate in the United States has remained relatively stable over the past decade, with about 40 to 50 percent of marriages ending in divorce, according to the American Psychological Association.
The advice I encountered, such as reigniting intimacy by holding hands, felt insincere when resentment loomed large. This "do good, then you will feel good" mantra missed a vital point: one must feel positive first to genuinely contribute to the marriage.
After nearly three decades, I stumbled upon a revelation: I could eradicate my negative emotions in a mere 60 seconds. This breakthrough transformed my relationship with my wife, proving that the sequence of feeling and then acting is crucial.
The second secret to a lasting marriage is one that's rarely discussed in popular literature or seminars. It involves the subconscious "instructions" on marriage we receive during childhood from our parents. These guidelines shape our marital behaviors, whether we're conscious of them or not.
For women, the way their mothers interacted with their fathers sets a precedent for how they treat men. For men, their fathers' treatment of their mothers serves as a model for interacting with women. These childhood imprints, which I refer to as the "Invisible Lifestyle," dictate our marital actions and are seldom addressed in conventional marriage improvement resources.
These instructions, ingrained in our psyche by the age of ten, become our default setting. Unless we identify, dismantle, and replace them with beliefs we now hold, they will continue to steer our relationships. Recognizing and altering this "master program" is a challenging process, reserved for those with a genuine commitment to change.
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In conclusion, a lasting marriage requires more than just following expert advice; it demands a deep dive into our emotional readiness and the subconscious patterns we've inherited. By addressing these two overlooked aspects, couples can create a strong foundation for a marriage that endures the test of time.
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