Life on Your Terms

It’s taken me a long time to understand what it means to live life on my own terms. I’m a “fixer” by nature. Give me a problem and I’ll “fix” it. Show me an unhappy or unfulfilled person and I’ll “fix” them. It’s a great entrepreneurial trait, but carries a belief that has held me back.

I always felt that enough love, patience, resources, and logic could “fix” anything or anyone. I got off on the high of a new “fixing” opportunity. With such a great gift, who was I to say “no”?

I’ve learned that not every problem needs to be “fixed”. Not every unhappy person wants to be “fixed”. Not every “fixing” opportunity that comes my way is a good fit for me. Just because I “can” doesn’t mean I should.

There are a lot of things I “can” do. When I see a business I think is exciting, I tell myself, “I can do that!” Or someone with an intriguing lifestyle, I think, “I can have that!” For most of my life I’ve competed with others who are doing the very things I knew I “could”. A very disappointing competition, I might add. Not because I “couldn’t”, but because I never asked myself the right question. I jumped in with both feet knowing I could and never asked the most important question. It’s the question I now ask every time I see an opportunity. It’s the question I ask my clients to ask. “Do I WANT to do it?”

Here’s how to use it. Define your terms:

1.Define what you want to do (your goal).
2.Understand how this goal aligns with your overall goals (if it doesn’t, start over with #1).
3.Determine what you are willing to do to accomplish it.
4.Determine what you are willing to give up to accomplish it.
5.Identify your concrete areas (those things you won’t give up or change).
6.Determine how long you are willing to commit to it.
7.Identify resources you are willing to commit to it (consider hiring a coach to keep you on track).
8.Find a way to measure your progress.
9.Develop a plan for determining when it’s time to move on (if your specific goal no longer matches your overall goals)
10.Find a way to know when you’re done.

Then live by them:

I wanted a relationship. I went on a date with a man who had what I thought to be an unhealthy relationship with his mother. Sitting across the table from him I thought, “I can fix him and show him what it’s like to be free!” As soon as that thought entered my mind, the voice of reason within me asked, “Do you WANT to?” My answer was “No!” and I ended the evening.

Upon hiring me, a client had identified three focus areas for his business. During a following session, he excitedly told me about a new business opportunity that could make him lots of money. I asked him to share his three focus areas with me again and then asked where this opportunity fit within them. When he admitted that it didn’t, I asked him which of those three areas he was willing to give up for this new one. “None” he replied. His decision to pass on that opportunity was not because he couldn’t do it, but because he didn’t want to give up other things that were more important to him.

Sitting in a committee meeting for a volunteer organization I belong to, I became frustrated at the size of the group, the irrelevance of the discussion to half the participants, and the organizational confusion. My first thought was, “I can fix it!” Then I thought about what it would take to do that. Did I care enough to make room for that project in my life? Was I willing to give up any other activities to make it happen? Did I really want that commitment? The old me would have said, “I’ll do it. Somehow I’ll make it all work.” The new me simply said, “No.”

Flooded with relief, I politely excused myself from the meeting to tackle what was really important to me that day. I pointed my car toward the dog park and spent the next hour playing Frisbee with my puppy. Ah, life on my terms.