A Letter of Congratulation to George Bush

Dear Bush,

I must first of all apologize for not including my address on this letter. In this age of terrorism, one should be wary of disclosing private addresses in public places. So I decided to send you this mail from "an undisclosed secret location."

The purpose of my writing you, however, is to congratulate you for your "decisive" victory in the November election. You must see what I am doing this moment—playing my ukulele in my garden and singing "God Bless America." Do you know how to play musical instruments?

But I do not even think that that is necessary. For did Bob Kerry not go to town twanging his guitar with his right fingers and wiping big drops of sweat with the left? Didn't know that gals don't like sweaters. And lost badly. I heard he wept profusely too. Was that true? He thought that the ability to play musical instruments win elections, just because Bill Clinton "saxophoned" your dad out of office. But Kerry wasn't Bill.

You have shown that you have guts, and that only gung-ho men rule America. For did you not bungee jump from the top floor of Empire State Building the other day and landed unscathed at ground zero? You might deny performing such suicidal act, but that was exactly what you did when you single handedly "vanished" ALL those terrorists who brought down the World Trade Center. And endeared yourself to the hearts of Americans ever after.

So, why did the Democrats suddenly dream up the word "electability" and thought that Kerry was the "best thing" to happen to America just because he saved ONE fellow soldier from drowning in a river in far away Vietnam. And they even downplayed your role in the war. Or did you not fight?

But all that is history, now. You are electable, Kerry is not. Period. And many of your detractors, not just the Democrats, will be put to shame.

Let's consider the friends of the earth. Just before the election, they prayed to see your back, saying that you had better the earth perished than honor the Kyoto Agreement. But now you won! Do not take them serious.

The earth is gong to die, anyway. TIME magazine gives it about 4 billion years to go. If it doesn't stop turning, a stray asteroid from outer space might just as well kiss it a hasty goodbye.

What do they even do in those earth summits than watch half-naked dancing virgins, gulp down multi-colored wines, swallow exotic meals and leave the earth to groan in pains. And yet they say you are the earth's mortal enemy.

Even some world leaders (particularly those in the EU), and big time politicians are disappointed that you are still around. Not a few of them regard you as a self-willed and strong-headed man. Nelson Mandela who used a word that sounded like "psychopath" and the former German official, who called you a "nazi," will be most disappointed. Chirac and Schroder--old Europeans--would weep like babies.

Your list of enemies is a fairly long one (I hope you are keeping a black book). Because Nobel laureates—even these ones—have joined the infamous register. Just before the election a group of them signed a statement calling on all Americans to remove you. Because you are world enemy number one. Imagine such a statement coming from the most distinguished persons on earth. Now, they are walking with their tails between their legs.

Come to think of it, Bush, Did some of them merit the award? I know that they would equally ask if you deserved the victory. But seriously speaking, was it not Alfred Nobel who invented the explosives, which they now say that you are using to "dynamite" people at random? Don't mind their hypocrisy. Not that you are even itching to be awarded the prestigious prize. Damn them!

Even then, writers are the most disgraced people for writing you out of the White House before your time. Let them dare write again. Never mind, I will send them a riposte in your behalf. Even the movie stars are up in arms against you,. Now, I will advise you to turn up the thermostat of the Fahrenheit and burn them till they expire.

And cynics who are coming to terms with your victory are saying that you only won by a "slight" margin. Some are also wondering if your brother in the "F" state didn't do one or two things behind a magic curtain to influence the poll's result. So they are still using words like "rigging" and the "F factor." But don't mind them, even if they call it the "hand of God."

Those that I pity the most are terrorists, leaders of rogue states, and those producing weapons of mass destruction with evil intentions (
I did not mention North Korea or Iran. To be honest with a capital "H," I do not want Hong Song-nam and Mohammad Khatami to be "Saddamized." Or will they be the next to go? You know what I'm talking about--"regime change" and the hooded man in red, the hangman. I'm told that the job is in high demand in these seasons of anomy.

I didn't realize how easy it is to create jobs till now. What if the U.N. sponsors an international conference titled HOW TO CREATE A MILLION JOBS IN A MINUTE, with a little explanation on how to do mass rape and operate torture chambers, for the benefit of genocidal heads of state.

I feel very sorry for them because as you said in your 2004 State of the Union Address, the work would not be left "unfinished"; "this danger must be defeated"; "we refuse to live in the shadows of this ultimate danger."

Good talk. For according to you again "the world without Saddam Hussein is [really] a safer and better world." See how peaceful the earth is now. Actually, "the world is changing for the better," as you said and before you leave the White House, the world would have been transformed into a paradise without wars and terrorism.

But make no mistake about it, the world will return to its former state if you hand over power to the Democrats. I think that the only electable person who can consolidate your enviable legacy is Dick Cheney. I do not mean that his unsmiling visage will frighten away terrorists and bad people. Rather, I know that he is the most suitable man for the job judging from what he said on July 24, 2003: "One by one, in every corner of the world, we will hunt the terrorists down and destroy them." He sounds even a bit more upbeat than you.

Which means that after you have left the paradise earth to him, he will upgrade it to heavenly status. Then we will have heaven on earth. I am eagerly looking forward to that GREAT day.

Once again, congratulations! And three cheers!

Yours sincerely,
Arthur Zulu.

Arthur Zulu is the author of HOW TO WRITE A BEST-SELLER, CHASING SHADOWS! and A LETTER TO NOAH to be published soon.
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