Anxiety 1. An Ally - The Glue That Connects You To Others

Just the thought of being anxious is enough to make you anxious! Who wants the worry, the knots in the stomach, the obsessive thoughts of impending doom and the urgency that compels you to try and prevent it?  Perhaps no one consciously chooses to be anxious, but it may be better than the alternatives that may come to take its place.

When making and maintaining relationships is a strain, anxiety can be a way of allowing yourself to reach out and be connected to another person. It provides the impetus for you to ask for support, comfort, company and acceptance. So it gives you the opportunity to check if you are lovable, worth being with, and worthy of being taken care of. This may be a learned pattern of attachment from your early years. If you got attention from parents and caregivers when ever you became fretful, anxious and panicked, it is likely that you discovered anxiety to act as a powerful glue to get needed contact from significant others. Anxiety about pushing away loved ones just by being true to yourself can also be a problem. The anxiety then acts like a magnet drawing back the same people you think you threw away when you feel ignored or not approved of if you choose to deviate from the path your loved ones expect of you. In other words, anxiety is a way of regulating the intimacy of your contact with loved ones. When you feel too far away from your loved ones, anxiety comes to the rescue, giving you the surge to get back in touch. When the need for closeness has been met, and you pull away again, it only feels good for a short while. As soon as the need for closeness recurs, anxiety is a sure fire way of getting it back for just long enough to reduce the fear of being alone.

Jody was a loner, loved to read and listen to music, and had minimal contact with people except when it was necessary such as while she was at work. She woke up most mornings burdened with the weight of the day ahead. She felt tired and worn out even before she began the day, anticipating what people might think of her, concerned with who was looking over her shoulder to catch her doing something wrong, and expecting to encounter situations that she wouldn’t be able to handle. Often her anxiety about being caught and punished for upsetting someone in the past was whipped up into such a frenzy that she couldn’t contain herself. She became so debilitated with worry that it became a matter of life or death. At these moments she called friends and talked, or made contact via instant messaging on the Internet. The words that her friends or contacts spoke were less important than their willingness to be there, listen, attempt to soothe and make Jody feel she mattered. Jody was able to allow herself this connection because it came at a time of dire need. As soon as she felt calmer, her need for contact would diminish and she would go back to her lonely existence.

 For Jody, genuine closeness and intimacy was terrifying. It meant that she would have to give and get, see and be seen, and be in an equal partnership. This was too scary, so she used her anxiety as a way of making just enough connection with others to satisfy her basic human needs. But she was receiving and not giving. She didn’t have to be responsible for an equal partnership - the thing she feared most of all.

Jody was caught in a cycle of wanting contact but not being able to tolerate it for more than a short time. She was willing to accept the pulling toward her and the pushing away of people as and when her needs dictated, rather than take the enormous step of learning what made intimacy so difficult for her to digest. She allowed herself to be ruled by her anxiety as it was easier than self-awareness and making a fresh start on discovering the joys and sorrows of genuinely meaningful connections - those that allow the individuals within to be sufficient as they are, while at the same time enriching life with the deeper treasures of being touched and touching others through desire and love rather than fear and dread.

If you find yourself getting anxious every time you want to do something that you think may be disapproved of, ask yourself what you are really afraid of. All the meditation and relaxation techniques in the world will not help if your anxiety is your glue to connection with other people. Exploring the origins of your anxiety and what purpose it is serving will be the biggest gift you give yourself, and the first step you take towards a less anxious existence.

Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.