Anxiety can be doggedly difficult to lessen and be free of. However uncomfortable and exhausting anxiety is, it has many important uses. One is to get close to people, and a second is to protect you from unbearable fears or from discovering your worst nightmares. Anxiety about the small stuff means you don't have to deal with the massive fears or terrors that would otherwise paralyse you.
Take deep breaths, visualize a serene sunset on a tropical beach, or get a good massage, are all remedie recommended for anxiety relief. For a few minutes you may breath less hurriedly, the tension headache may ease, and you can let go of the worries that invade your waking moments. But why does the anxiety sneak back so insidiously, swallowing you up before you have a chance to hold onto the few moments of peace you gave yourself?
One function that anxiety serves is that of protection. By letting you sweat the small stuff, it safeguards you from your big, unmanageable fears. Since anxiety can be so all pervasive it leaves no space for you to contemplate and face larger terrors - like loss, death, failure, being alone, completely responsible, and empty.
Grant was a stressed out busy professional. No matter how much exercise, yoga or meditation he did to deal with the stress, he was constantly anxious and irritable. As soon as one issue was dealt with he would anticipate the next problem and make it a monumental hurdle that he wasn’t sure he could cope with. Not being in control of the variables surrounding the problem made it worse. As anxiety about one issue reached its peak and then died down when he got help or attention, Grant was overtaken by anxiety about another problem, that was just waiting in the wings. For Grant, anxiety filled a huge hole inside him. An emptiness and sense of aloneness gnawed at him. It was an unbearable dread that threatened his ability to function on a day to day basis. His only recourse was to fill that abyss with more anxiety. It focused him on the minutia of life, used up his energy and avoided the horror of emptiness. It made him feel he had a purpose, was in control and had a concrete issue to focus on.
Grant needed his anxiety to shield him from a terror that he was basically a ‘bad person.’ He was so scared that he may be a selfish, uncaring and therefore unlovable person that he ran, ran and ran from himself. He ran to stay in control of his ‘badness.’ His anxiety served him well in this regard. Being consumed with worries about traffic grid lock, the computer that wouldn’t perform quickly enough, being kept waiting in line and other similar realities of life, he didn’t have to deal with his dread of not having a meaningful life. That void was filled to overflowing with anxiety about the daily grind.
Running wore Grant out, depleted him and left him feeling empty again. So while anxiety protected him, it eventually exhausted him such that he couldn’t enjoy anything. Everything became a chore and he resented having to do things he used to do. As he lost control of himself, he began to control his wife and colleagues. When they reacted against this, his anxiety erupted as he was left without a barrier between himself and his emptiness. He would think badly of himself and begin to behave in ways to seek reassurance from others that he was ‘good’ and acceptable.
Feeling empty and lost is much worse than experiencing anxiety about being kept waiting or how many calories you should consume. Allowing yourself to be face to face with your lack of a sense of self, and self-identity may mean that you don’t know how to feed yourself with emotionally nourishing food. At worst it may mean that you cannot even recognize that food when offered by others. That leaves you permanently hungry, growling in pain and desperate to fill the chasm. Anxiety does that perfectly. It makes you so full that you are always in a state of having to act to relieve yourself of the anxiety.
It is possible to learn to recognize good emotional sustenance, taste, chew and swallow, in ways that feel satisfying. You can allow yourself to be fed in small amounts and let your digestive juices do their work to make you feel more content. Swallowing books or CD’s on anxiety management will only pass through your emotional intestines and come out the other end undigested. You don’t have the enzymes that can use them effectively. Exploring your emptiness and talking to that part of you that insists on anxiety as a substitute for wholesome food will be a bumpy but ultimately rewarding, for the long haul.
Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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