Reactions to Traumatic Events Part 1

What to expect. Men.

The other day I was talking to a guy’s guy whom I know well. He is a glib and facile talker, hard drinker and intellectually astute man. We were on the phone and I had never heard him sound so down. “What’s up?” I asked very carefully, not to sound concerned. “Hey doc.” He said, trying to remain upbeat. “Yup.” I answered, just as casually. “Hey doc.” He repeated. “The strangest thing happened to me today. I was upset with some shoddy work that my assistant did and I started to talk with her about it and ya’ know what? I started to cry. Just cry like a kid. And then later,” he continued, “when I was talking to my boss, I started to cry again. Hey doc, what do you think that’s about?” Jocularly, I responded. “Glad to hear you’re human, Bill. Even strong men, have feelings and they are allowed to cry. I think your heart is aching and all those pictures of planes penetrating strong buildings just got to you. Cry when you feel like it, or get angry or afraid. It’s a very human and strong way to be. Hey, let’s meet later and talk, OK?” “Yeah,” he said. “How about tomorrow or the next few days?” “Sure,” I answered, though, I was already figuring when I could squeeze in one more talk.

Everywhere I go, I encounter men in pain, men who are unaccustomed to talking or crying. Men stunned at their own level of pain or fear. Men in our society have an easier time getting angry than admitting more vulnerable feelings. The intense pain they experience due to the recent terrorist invasion, their fear and their sense of loss are not feelings many men are accustomed to sharing. We live in a world where most men still see John Wayne sucking it up and riding away as a heroic image, and when they find themselves hurting or sobbing, they are often surprised and embarrassed. Many men prefer to hole up in their equivalent of a safe cave and suffer alone. Reaching out and talking is not their strongest suit.

The destruction of New York’s twin towers and part of the supposedly invincible Pentagon, as well as the deaths of those who went down in hijacked planes has broken beyond many men’s usual defenses. They no longer feel like modern cave men and they are hurt, angry and afraid. Tears come at unexpected times and they are surprised.

Over time, these men will have a wide range of feelings. And, depending upon what happens within the next few weeks in terms of retaliation war, capture of the enemy or closure, their feelings will change. But ladies, take care. Be gentle with your guys. This is the first time many of them have had their hearts punctured. Treat their experience with respect. Know that for many of them, they will not react the way you do. Give them space and love and if they choose to talk, listen. It will take a long time for all of us to heal. And guys tend to heal differently from women. Meanwhile, I am meeting my friend tomorrow. He still sounds weepy. But if asked, he swears he’s OK. We’ll see what happens over dinner. At this point, I truly don’t know how it will go.

Life is too hard to do alone,

Dr. D.

Dorree Lynn, PH.D.