After several years of remaining single, and raising children alone, I contemplate entering the dating market once again. At 42, I’m expecting more challenges than previously encountered in my younger years. I’ve read the books on dating after age 35 years old, and it appears dating has been relegated to a marketing skill. I need to grow my hair long, because guys prefer longer hair, make sure I’m in shape, maybe a nip and tuck here and there under a surgeon’s knife would increase my chances. Women outnumber men significantly as we age, so one must strategize to beat the odds. As I read all of this, I seriously wonder, if I really want to go there.
Transforming self into a middle age Barbie doll somehow seems plastic, and so unreal. How does a person maintain their true self, while attempting to appeal to the available market? On-line Christian dating services appealed as a starting place. I carefully plotted out answers to basic questions to describe myself, and what I was seeking in a man – easy enough. I filled out the personality section, and posted a picture. For a mere $9.95/month, I began the journey down the road to romance. Responses to my posting came quickly. At first, men would send little flirts. Finally one wanted to correspond, and quickly progressed to lunch together. John seemed like a nice guy. We conversed for several hours over soup and salad. We parted ways, and John promised to call. Later that evening, he did call, but the conversation changed. Now that we had met, John wanted to rendez-vous at a hotel to get to know each other. Floored at first, I regained my composure, and nicely declined the invitation, and decided to move on with my search. Naively, I felt that a Christian dating service would postpone the sex talk a while – silly me!
After my first experience, I refined my personality responses to indicate that I wanted to spend time getting to know someone well – and nicely mentioned the fact that I didn’t want to relive a “fools rush in” scenario. Responses to my ad sharply declined. While not surprising, future opportunities, I hope, will be with men of a certain character. Maybe I’m deluding myself to think that I can find a person willing to spend time developing a deep spiritual relationship. Even if it means years of solitude, I plan to wait for the white knight in shining armor. If I have to be a Barbie doll, surely some of the men will be willing to assume the white night role.
Copyright (c) 2005 Laurel Aiyana. All rights reserved.
LIFE IN SLOW MOTION
For most, life passes by at a rapid pace. Work, kid’s ... and daily ... keep people busy all day. For 20 years, I ... on overload to get every thing ... on my agen
Wearing Masks
Early in childhood, I learned to where masks to hide who I my true self. Fear of rejection from my parents, particularly my mother paralyzed me, so I stayed in my room as much as possible, and talked little. When I did speak up, I would never say anything contrary to any authority figure for fear of punishment, denial of love, or rejection. To have my true self rejected, the ultimate punishment, led to wearing masks. At least, if the personality under the mask seemed out of step, I could consider myself redeemed by the knowledge that it wasn’t my true self. My mother ranted and raved at me to share my thoughts. If these thoughts misaligned with her thinking, she cried and piled on the guilt. Once I decided I would be happier living with my father, and I mistakenly voiced this opinion. After screaming that I would never be allowed to live with him, my mother cried for three days. Scenes such as this, reinforced the necessary creation of the false face, which I carried into adulthood.
