Prayer and Marriage

‘Americans are spending billions, and the word is billions, of dollars to go to counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, you name it. If only, but they’ve got to believe, they’ve got to have the faith. They’ve got to believe the most important thing that they need as married people is God’s grace.”

“Three sources of grace: prayer, the sacraments, and cooperating with the grace you’ve got. “

-       Fr. J Hardon, SJ

I just got this question from one of the online writing directories that deal with marriage and divorce. The woman has an African sounding name. She said that she was having problems with her spouse but she didn’t want a divorce. My initial reaction was hopeful since almost half of the marriages today end up in separation. I told her that it was a good thing she didn’t opt for a divorce.

The question actually went like this: How can prayer help solve her marital problems? The article directory sent me this question in line with my article on prayer.

I wrote back and told the woman that she needs to know the context of their problem first. In other words, what’s it all about? Is it a problem on infidelity or jealousy or the likes? Both of them should be clear on what the problem is all about. After knowing the problem, I told them to express whatever feelings they hold inside.

But they should express these feelings civilly i.e. no cursing/scandalizing or violent/destructive behavior. It normal to weep, even Christ wept but in the garden and he did not disturb even his disciples who fell asleep nearby.

After the tears have dried and the fumes of anger have dissipated, they can probably ask each other the question: WHY. Why did they feel angry or sad?  At this point, I told her to seek the services of marriage counselors or pastors/priests if necessary.

The reasons for feeling as one should only point to important principles related to the married life. And obviously, these principles should be the “right” principles. But if the any one of them knows the right principles and they think they are treading the right path, then there is no problem.

It is from these principles of commitment, responsibility, fidelity, and the like that their course of action will arise. The thing is, they should do something and should not just stand or sit idly by. If they have fully understood the principle of marital fidelity for example or marital commitment, then any course of action they ought to follow should be based on these principles, and definitely not on mere feelings or what on what you egotistically “think” is “right”.

It is for this reason that mixed marriages have many disadvantages. With all due respect to Islam, it is difficult to reconcile the Islamic practice of polygamy with the Christian principle of monogamy. In cases where one of the spouses is Islamic and the other Christian, where can they meet if the problem on infidelity for example arises?

Love is not just a feeling or wishful thinking but a willful commitment to love based on principles.  The problem is, what if the principle themselves already clash?

If both spouses have the same religious orientation, like both of them believe that monogamy is the right thing, then both can openly agree on what should be.

One of the most important ingredients for a successful marriage is having an open line of communication. In fact the good Fr John Hardon, SJ said that communication is probably the highest and deepest form of charity between two persons, like the husband and the wife. If money can’t buy you love according to the Beatles, then communication can.

Where does prayer come in? Actually, prayer is also communicating but communicating with/to God. If couples have been praying together since the time they got married, they will be given the supernatural grace to surmount the seemingly insurmountable problems that come their way.

Remember that in marriage, the man and woman ties the knot in front of a third party: God - the source of grace that will sustain their married life through thick or thin, in sickness or health until such time when death would have parted them.  

Divorce - which is actually like the death of a relationship, (in the prevailing culture of death)  is on the rise because of failure to communicate with each other.
But how can spouses get the grace in order to sustain their marriage?
Prayer in marriage is a must. In marriage, the third party who is God is the real source of all marital bliss.