How to Take a Compliment

The first rule for taking a compliment: don't fish for one or you'll end up floundering. ‘So what's the best sex you've ever had?’ I once asked an old boyfriend, settling back comfortably and waiting for the praise. He beamed. ‘Oh, without a doubt it was this Danish girl. She was fantastic.’ Get the point? (I certainly did). Besides, a compliment delivered after a prompt is a bit like someone saying ‘I love you’ when you've just asked, ‘Do you love me?’ It doesn't exactly make your heart or head swell does it? Never mind other bits.

Compliments aren't ping-pong balls.

You don't have to keep serving them back and forth, over and over. There's only one thing you need to do if someone compliments you: smile and say thank you. Then simply continue with what you were doing or saying. People (women) find it difficult to do this for fear of looking vain. If we simply say ‘thank you’, isn't that like agreeing with them? Won't they think we're - deep breath now - a bit too, well, happy with ourselves? This is why many women launch into that ridiculous ‘Oh, this old thing...’ routine which does nothing except a) turn us into a cliche b) insinuate they've got bad taste. If you want to say something more, try ‘Thank you. That means a lot to me that you think that.’ Or, ‘Thank you. It's really nice of you to notice.’ Resist the urge to compliment them back. ‘You think I've got great hair, well, hullo. Yours is far nicer than mine.’

How to Give a Compliment

If the no-no for taking a compliment is don't ask for one, the don't-even-dream-of-going-there equivalent for giving a compliment is don't say it if you don't mean it. The second piece of advice: if you are going to give a compliment, make it as personal as possible. Ditch the ‘nice outfit’ for ‘Your eyes look amazing against that grey top.’ Think of what you'd like to say, then substitute another word for the obvious. What's a better, more specific adjective than pretty/nice/smart/great? Also steer clear of the obvious body parts (‘Gosh, you're tall') and hone in on detail (‘Haven't you got beautiful hands/lips/an infectious smile.’) But most of all ask yourself: what is the person you're complimenting most proud of?

Another great technique is ‘accidental adulation’: slipping praise into an otherwise bland sentence. ‘This probably won't interest you but my sister's on this great diet...’ (implication being you don't need to go on one). Passing on a compliment from someone else also works well. They're chuffed, they think more of the person who originally said it (a compliment said behind our back often means more than one said to our face), and you seem nice for passing it on. If you're too shy to compliment directly, this is a way of doing it: tell a mutual friend and let them repeat makes you seem less sycophantic and is an effective way of letting them know they're admired.