The Allure of the Taken Man

Like a waiting-list handbag or sold-out movie, unavailability can make even an average man seem must-have. Why do we do it?

Love at first sight was something I never believed in – until the night I met Andrew in a bar. He seemed my ideal man; 35, charismatic, brilliant, incredibly successful and so sexy that I was mentally undressing him before the second drink. Then he dropped the bomb; he was separated with three children and facing a messy divorce.

I thought I could handle it. But on our second date, when I asked for more details, he blurted out the two words that strike fear into the heart of every single girl; ‘It’s complicated.’ That’s when I began to realize that his version of ‘separated’ meant ‘in his head’. The next 10 minutes were a blur as he gave me the marital monologue. He was only staying for the kids, he hadn’t slept with his wife in three years, she had a boyfriend… I told him politely that I couldn’t handle the situation, and got into a taxi. Five minutes later I was running back to him, my heart racing as we fell into each other’s arms.

The rational side of my brain knew that I was doing wrong but it was having its butt kicked by my naughty side, the side that wore fishnet stockings in anticipation of our illicit encounters. The next few weeks were a blur of whirlwind trips to New York, late night calls and romantic dinners.

I soon realized that sex with a married man is like scoffing down an entire box of Krispy Kremes. It was incredibly decadent and satisfying at the time but left me feeling guilty, empty and a bit sick afterwards.

That’s when the withdrawal started. I was madly in love with the man I was convinced was my soul mate, but utterly miserable. At least I wasn’t alone, because every woman has at some point lusted after a man who wasn’t technically available.

Illicit Encounters

Cheating and the laws of sexual supply and demand constantly make headlines which could be why infidelity websites seem to be multiplying faster than celebrity reality TV shows. Most of my girlfriends are smart, liberated women who could take their pick of male suitors, so why do so many of us secretly lust after taken men?

Some of my friends choose a no-strings relationship because it gives them the freedom of hot sex, plus an ego boost without commitment. The way I see it, attached men are looking to recreate those first three months of love they no longer have with their partners, which makes them much more driven in pursuit of you.

Even if you don’t share that attitude, it’s easy to succumb to flock mentality. It’s the same logic that compels us to buy a vest top we thought was hideous until we saw Kate Moss wearing it. This could also explain why Pete Doherty now has so many groupies, despite looking like he hasn’t had a shower since 2005.

My friend, Lauren, 27, who works in publishing, is another case in point. She had a fling with a guy she now admits she found average looking and unexceptional – until she found out he had a girlfriend. He said he wanted to end things but was afraid of hurting her. She admits that this made her really competitive. She doesn’t know if she was addicted to him or just interested in fighting over him.

It’s not just a girl thing either. My male friends swear being in a relationship makes them more attractive to women. My friend, Charlie hadn’t had a date for so long, tumbleweeds were starting to grow in his hair, then after he met his girlfriend, women started chatting him up. Perhaps being on the arms of someone fantastic convinces women that you’re a good catch. Another male friend of mine wore a wedding ring to a friend’s stag party and was amazed at the amount of attention it garnered from women.

A relationship doesn’t have to be current for the man to be classified as ‘taken’. My friend, Julie, 25, has just finished with someone because of his obsession with his ex-fiancée, a fiery French girl who’d left him after four months – five years ago. It was ridiculous, she was competing with a photograph. But she realized he wasn’t ready to move on and walked out.

As for my romance with Andrew, I soon realized despite his promises to move out of the marital home, the only baggage he was carrying was emotional. Although he tried to placate me by introducing me to some of his friends, there was always another child’s birthday / branch of his business opening in Moscow / family holiday. Christmas came and went with no sign of him going anywhere.

One night, after we made love and were lying in the dark, he whispered, ‘What will happen to us if I can’t ever leave?’ I freaked out and started crying. He tried to comfort me, but the damage had been done. I realized that the only thing worse than the lies he was telling me, was the lies I was telling myself. That’s when I learnt I had to be strong enough to walk away.

Despite his many attractive qualities, that’s when I discovered the real downside of taken men. Because of their complicated living situations and the stress of deception, ultimately it’s all about them and everything happens on their timetable. The last time I saw him he said, ‘My heart is still with you.’ But, ultimately, I want to find a man whose body is too.