Joyce Shafer

How to Write a Better Descriptive Story

New writers believe they have to fill pages with words. They do, but it’s better to use the needed ones, and use them well.

Norman Cousins said, “Words need to be crafted, not sprayed. They need to be fitted together with infinite care.”

Here are two sample paragraphs that convey the same information but are written differently.

Chuck, a non-swimmer, was clinging to a buoy in the water and was about thirty feet from where I was standing on the pier. Ihad to try to get the rope out far enough to reach him so I tried to throw it hard enough to him, but Icouldn’t get it to him. I had to keep trying.

You do get information and a visual. Notice the five uses of I, the repetitive use of him or to him, and the sentence structure.

Better:

Chuck clung to the buoy. At least his head was out of the water. Maybe he’d finally take swimming lessons, but that discussion was for another time. He was about thirty feet from where I stood on the pier. The bulk of the coiled rope in my hand and a few practice swings loosened my shoulder before I let go with all I had. The rope arced in the air, uncurled, and landed a few feet to the right of his outstretched hand. I quickly re-wound the sopping rope around my forearm, felt the extra weight as I built momentum with another wind-up, and hurled the rope and a prayer in his direction.

This is a very quick rewrite but see the difference? The first example lets you know what’s going on. The second example gives a more action-oriented visual and a greater sense of being in the story with the character. There were still five uses of I, but they aren’t as noticeable within the more developed story description.

You also see an example of writing tight. Was clinging and was standing in the first example become clung and stood. None of the uses of try or tried in the first example were used in the second one.

Whether I do a critique, editing, or rewriting for a client, my intention is to guide them to be good storytellers. You must tell a compelling story, but you must also focus on the craft of writing. Your goal is to write in a way that lets readers forget a short story or novel is in their hands and allows them to step into another world, a movie in their minds, from the first word to the last.

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