Insane Copywriting Lunacy From the Big Boys With Big Budgets! How NOT To Get Good Results!

Did you receive the MARKETING BOX ?

No. Not from me, but, from the wise marketing people at Land Rover.

You didn't?

Aw well, looks like I'll have to let you in on the madness. I didn't think you'd like it if I kept this treasure mine to myself now would you?

Okay, there's a knock on the door. It's the postman. He promptly gives me my mail which included a pale blue box(6 x 10ins) with the words "Inside: the spirit of Freelander".

Hmm... I thought. Wonder what's in here? (Well, they did get something right- they got my curiosity up)

I then proceed to rip open the box.

Lo and behold, there was a cut out shape of where a bottle of aftershave or perfume should sit. But what did I find there instead?

A little promotional booklet, about ten pages, with each page being 5x3 ins with the words "You can't bottle it" on the front of the little booklet.

Okay, so I'm tying in the empty space with the brochure that in essence was their 'creative trickery' saying there's no bottle as we can't bottle it.

Absurd? Absolutely. Onwards...

I open the booklet. First page: Pic of a Freelander with the words "The go anywhere attitude you get from knowing you're in a genuine Land Rover".

The opposite page: half the page blank (don't know why that was, you can't sell anything with lots of white space, except for... WHITE SPACE!)

The remainder of the page had little square pictures of grass, water and stones - with the words "impossible to capture".

The next two pages shows the Land Rover descending from a hill. The words used? "The sheer confidence that Hill Descent Control inspires when faced with a slippery slope" - You just can't describe it.

Hmm... it gets increasingly worse.

The next page: the words "the constant feeling of control you get from command driving position" with the next page all blank except for "try expressing that one" written on it.

It goes on in that vain for the remaining pages with the basic core message saying "words can't explain it" and "you'll know it when you see it".

Personally, if I was head of Land Rover, and I found that the Ad Agency or in house team had agreed and okayed 'THAT PROMOTION', I'd have fired everyone who contributed to that enormous waste of money.

And, the scary thing is... some one high up in Land Rover DID AGREE for this to go ahead! Amazing.

Here's what's running through my head, even after a couple of days had past after receiving the thing:

The copywriters conceded territory to the graphic artists and 'creative' people, only because they really didn't know HOW to have something compelling, educational and important to say.

The idea that significant numbers of people will be drawn to something that's described in an airy fairy, non descript, fuzzy feel good type of way... is asking for the people in the white coats to come and drag you away.

Here's what I would have done.

1. Give a sample bottle of the aftershave/perfume tying it into the idea that "wherever you drive the freelander, it'll be as fresh and as spirited as the joys of nature... even if it's for the first time or the five hundredth"

2.I'd have enclosed a key. That key openS the door to one of the Freelanders in the showroom. If they pop down, test it, and if the door opens, they get to drive it around for a full fortnight.

In that time, they'd have got used to driving it and may not want to give it back! Also, friends, family and others would've noticed and would've wanted you to take them for a 'spin'.

3. I would have the next newsletter (presuming they do that type of thing!) dedicated to the promotion and would have made a 'personality' of the person who won the extended test drive.

4. I would have the booklet full of testimonials of satisfied customers from all walks of life. I would fully describe the driving experience they'd get (note, EXACTLY OPPOSITE from the thinking of the big budget Land Rover people).

For instance, when the description of the Hill descent ("The sheer confidence that Hill Descent Control inspires when faced with a slippery slope" - You just can't describe it.)

I'd have something along the lines of...

"Imagine having to deal with those incredibly twisty and sheer drop slopes. Especially if you've kids and a whole bundle of items in the back. It could spell... DISASTER!

But, not if you're in a Freelander. You see, with its new Hill Descent Control, you'll be able to steer and control the Freelander even in the most extreme of conditions. In fact, think how you'll feel and what type of smile you'll have on your face when people accuse you of secretly taking advanced driving lessons!"

And I'd pepper the whole little booklet with warm, friendly conversationally written language.

5. I'd also have a FREE PRIZE DRAW with details in the back of the booklet, where the winner would get to visit the Land Rover Plant, get to Drive a Land Rover for 30 days as well as a champagne dinner in Paris .

6. And, those who completed the little form in the back if the booklet would then get communication a couple of weeks later to tell who the winner was, and those who didn't win would get a half day test drive plus a replica model of a Land Rover.

There's more, but hey, I'm not going to solve Land Rovers problems in its entirety, here and now. They've paid people BIG MONEY to do that for them, right? I mean, just look at the blue box. :) The moral: Big advertising and marketing money, doesn't mean Big results or Big thinking. If you're going to emulate, from big or small businesses, do make sure they're savvy between the ears.