Are the traditional obligations of flowers, candy, and expensive dinners REALLY the way to go this Valentine's Day? Author and CreateYourCharisma.com founder Andrew Kaplan thinks not, and is quick to point out that such action might actually be sending the WRONG message.
I just received an e-mail from someone who’s been dating a girl for about three weeks, and with Valentine’s Day fast approaching, he doesn’t know whether he should take her out for a nice romantic dinner or if a couple dozen roses will do the trick. My question to him is: why do either??
We’re talking about a ‘relationship’ (if you can even call it that just yet) that hasn’t even reached a full month, and already, this guy is positioning himself as a boring, pathetic, needy punk. All because a certain day on the calendar year tells him to do so.
Valentine’s Day carries with it an inherent ability to really push the “guy courts girl, and by result, must bend over backwards to satisfy her” mentality. Sadly, this concept has infiltrated virtually every corner of Americana, and there doesn’t seem to be any signs of this changing anytime soon.
Less than four weeks into dating someone, many people automatically feel this tremendous obligation to act in a certain way. They’re basically bullied by the socially-imposed standards of our society into extending themselves past the point of their own internal comfort. They’re asked to be someone who they really aren’t. And what they fail to realize is that by submitting to this false standard, they’re failing a very important test in the process. They’re lowering their value to unrecoverable depths and carrying themselves in a way that screams “I’m not good enough.”
To set the record straight, my problem with Valentine’s Day isn’t the fact that women in this dynamic end up being treated well. Both parties SHOULD be treating each other well. Otherwise, what’s the point of being with someone? My problem instead, is the implication that the guy in this dynamic isn’t worthy of being in this relationship on his own merit. His value is so low that he must placate through the use of flowers, candy, expensive dinners, or anything else of material worth.
In effect, the guy must ‘buy’ his way into his position in the relationship. And as soon as he approaches things from that perspective, whether it’s Valentine’s Day or any normal day of the year, he weakens his status, becomes far less attractive in his mate’s eyes, and usually ends up being dumped soon after.
The way I look at things, if you truly WANT to go out and spend a lot of money on Valentine’s Day, then more power to you. As I say often in my CreateYourCharisma.com newsletters, the true path to being charismatic, appealing, and someone who magnetically pulls others in is to be as congruent with your own internal preferences as you possibly can. And if that includes emptying your wallet on a specific day of the calendar year… say February 14, for instance… then go right ahead.
But trust me when I say you should really make a point of refraining from such behavior if you don’t think the other party has earned it just yet. It doesn’t matter if it’s Valentine’s Day, their birthday, Christmas, or anything else. If you don’t feel like the other party has taken an important enough place in your life, then don’t send a mixed signal that indicates such.
Engaging in this type of desperate puppy-dog, momma’s boy behavior when it isn’t really a reflection of who you are is really just another way of compromising your own principles, lowering your value, and by result, forfeiting your right to be in the relationship in the first place. You need to be someone who can be respected, after all.
Now I’m not the first person to say this. And it’s a pretty safe bet that I won’t be the last. That fact in and of itself tells me… as it should tell you… that people just aren’t paying attention. They’re continuously repeating the same mistakes over and over again. They’re getting dumped in the worst ways. And they’re wondering why.
So this Valentine’s Day, give with YOUR heart. Not society’s. Not Hallmark’s. Not your older sister’s (who just happens to drag her husband around by a leash). If you’re really worthy of someone else’s company, then your company alone should be good enough for them. And that holds true whether you come bearing 4 dozen roses or just a single one. It’s true whether you pay top dollar for some fancy meal or you simply spring for the next round of drinks. Nothing is worth anything if the person giving it isn’t worth something themselves.
So this February 14, remember that your real gift is your time and attention. Because you really can’t put a price on making someone feel good to be around you. Charismatic, worthy, attractive people know this. That’s what makes them so charismatic to begin with.
