Every relationship reaches its own natural turning point

Q: Some friends and I were having a discussion the other day, prompted by the fact that the Internet dating route can throw waves of dates at a person. When does exclusivity enter into a relationship? Only when explicitly discussed? Or is it assumed after the couple has sex? Or has gone on a certain number of dates? How many dates?

A: When I've asked friends this question, the answer divides emphatically along gender lines-and not the way you'd guess. Men tend to think that the moment you've kissed you can presume exclusivity-and that the woman assumes the same thing. Women, on the other hand, presume the relationship is not exclusive until it has been specifically discussed-and that the man assumes this too.

Both sexes think this way because they've been taught all their lives that it's men who don't like to be tied down, and women who all crave insta-commitment. (A myth which is single-handedly responsible for the destruction of far too many fledgling relationships, but that's a rant I'll save for another day.) So women protect themselves by dating around until they are sure the guy isn't doing the same thing; while men think if they're interested in dating exclusively the woman must be too, since they've been taught that's what women always want.

Yet another complete communication muddle between the sexes.

Unfortunately, the short answer is there's no exact rule. I take that back-I hereby lay down a rule: if you're under three dates you're not exclusive. But short of that, every relationship is non-exclusive until proven otherwise, and every relationship reaches it's own natural turning point. If the other person acts as if you're dating exclusively-some possible clues: they assume Saturday night dates, they say "it's me" when they call (a habit which, frankly, should be illegal, but that too is a rant I'll save for another day), he asks you to marry him-and you're not on the same page, you should probably have a little sit down chat about it.

As far as Internet dating goes-give a little credit to the person you're going out with. They know you've probably got a few people to check out; they know the score. There's no reason for a speech: "I like you lots, Natali, but I can't quite commit to you until I at least meet Anuta."

No. Just go meet Anuta - if all night you find yourself missing the company of Miss , then you know it's time to have a talk about yanking both your personal ads off the web.

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