If someone asked me who the greatest cartoon character of all-time is, I’d have no doubt as to who I‘d pick. Mickey Mouse? Well, he was great, but that high pitched voice of his got on my nerves pretty bad, plus, Mickey wore a tad thin once you got past the age of twelve or thirteen. Popeye? Popeye had his good points, but he was at least a double bag haint, and besides, I could never understand all that under-the-breath stuff he said. Fred Flintstone? Just a Jackie Gleason rip-off, why watch Fred when you can watch the Great One instead? Woody Woodpecker? He got on my nerves and talked too fast to boot. Donald Duck? I never, ever understood what in the hell Donald was saying. Without doubt, my favorite cartoon character of all-time has to be Foghorn Leghorn.
And what a classic he is! I was recently given a video of nothing but Foghorn cartoons, and I laughed until I couldn’t see straight. Remember the Widow Hen? Henery Hawk? Prissy? There were other characters, but out of them all I think I loved Barnyard Dog the most. Remember how Fog would tiptoe up to his house, pick him up by the tail, and then paddle his backside with a plank or worse? “That dawg” would jump up and chase Foghorn like he was possessed until his rope leash ran out, which would then yank a knot in his neck each and every time. Simply put, they just don’t make characters like these anymore, heck, they don‘t even make any close to these anymore.
The thing I liked best about Foghorn Leghorn was some of his remarks in the cartoons. There were some pure classics, I’ve laughed so hard at some of them that one time I actually pulled some muscles in my ribcage from strenuous laughter. He said some of the most off-the-wall things imaginable, but he wasn’t that bad of a philosopher, either. Believe it or not, there’s a lot we can learn from ole Fog. So folks, here are some classic Foghorn remarks, delivered as only our favorite rooster can deliver them:
"Okay, I'll shut up. Some fellas have to keep their tongues flappin' but not me. I was brought up right. My pa used to tell me to shut up and I'd shut up. I wouldn't say nothin'. One time darn near starved to death. WOULDN'T TELL HIM I WAS HUNGRY!!"
"That boy's so dumb, he thinks a Mexican border pays rent."
"That dawg's busier than a centipede at a toe-counting contest."
"The snow's so deep, the farmers have to jack up the cows so they can milk 'em!"
“Gal reminds me of the highway between Fort Worth and Dallas. No curves.”
"Did ya see that hawk after those hens? He scared 'em! That Rhode Island Red turned white, then blue. Rhode Island, red, white, and blue! That's a joke, son, a flag-waver! You're built too low. The fast ones go over your head. Ya got a hole in your glove. I keep pitchin' 'em and you keep missin' 'em! Ya gotta keep your eye on the ball! Eye. Ball. Eyeball! I almost had a gag, son--a joke, that is!"
“That woman’s as cold as a nudist on an iceberg.”
"I've been a good sport about this up till now, but that boy's forcing me to use stronger measures."
“That dog's as subtle as a hand grenade in a barrel of oat meal.”
“You look like two miles of bad road.”
See what I mean? The best thing is, I could post up several more pages of these classic lines. Without question, Foghorn Leghorn was the greatest cartoon character of all-time. But he was even more than that - y’all see, Foghorn Leghorn wasn’t just a cartoon character, he was a rooster. A Southern rooster. With that accent, where else could he come from? He’s one of us. And just like rock music, gospel music, football, women, fried chicken, chili dogs, beaches, or anything else you want to lay on the table, the very best stuff comes from the South. It’s as simple as that. And if anyone out there doesn’t want to believe me, fine, just send me some money and we’ll sponsor an essay contest based on the following theme:
“Who Wants to Move to Rhode Island?”
The winner will get a one-way ticket coach fare ticket there, plus a video tape or DVD full of their favorite Rhode Island animated character’s cartoons...
A Georgia Superhero!
One thing I’ve loved since I was a little boy were superheroes. Believe me, I read so many Superman and Batman comic books when I was a kid that it’s not even funny. I loved their varied super powers, and how they constantly got out of scrapes that would have destroyed any normal man. I was so into them that I also became big fans of the Flash, Spiderman, the Fantastic Four, the Green Lantern, and several others. I’m also quite excited that there’s a new Batman movie out, Batman Begins, and its early reviews are outstanding! To say that I’ll see it more than once is an understatement, the Batman character is terrifically fascinating, and I hope this’ll be the start of a whole new string of Batman films.
Arguing About Arguments, the Chinless, and North Korean Parrots...
Wanna know something that I get asked about pretty frequently from people who contact me about this column? They ask when I might write one about my views on politics and world affairs.
Sleep With 'Em First!
Well, as I sit here writing this, it’s very quiet. The air is cool and the house is dark, the only light emanating from within being the light from my computer. It’s so quiet here, in fact, that I can hear the rhythm from my fingertips as they dance across this keyboard. Sounds like the perfect writer’s scenario, doesn’t it? The problem is that it isn’t, in fact, this whole situation blows. It happens to be 6 am on a Saturday morning and I’m sitting here wide awake!
