The Grumpy Guide to London Jazz Bands

Now I like music as much as the next person, whether it's pop, folk, country and western or even a good old fashioned brass band, I'll happy sit for up to an hour listening to any of the above being played either live or recorded. But one thing I just don't get is jazz and living in London, we have more than our fair share of jazz bands as much as we have more than our fair share of jazz fans. People who claim to like this style of music (and I use that term loosely) tend to sit there attentively listening as if attending a lecture on thermodynamics, rubbing their chins intently as if it in some way helps them to better absorb the complex information their brain is receiving. I, on the other hand just hear a bunch of people playing different tunes in different time signatures and more often than not, they're all playing in a different key too!  Call me ignorant, but isn't a band supposed to play in the same time signature and the same key, following the same chord progressions?

Unfortunately for me a large portion of my social circle are massive fans of jazz, which means that much of our socialising revolves around the London jazz scene. When out socialising, we inevitably end up in one of London’s many jazz clubs and every time I try my best to find something pleasurable in the discordant cacophony which is invading my ears. Those around me however, tend discuss things such as how imaginative the guitar player was in his approach the the middle eight; saying things along the lines of, 'he built up a melody around the major third of the harmonic fifth whilst suppressing the dominant ninth... genius!'. To me it sounded like the so-called guitar player simply misplayed a C chord. In defence of the guitarist, it's easy to get it wrong when the rest of the band are all playing completely different things! One thing about jazz fans is they way they concoct all this flowery language to defend the mistakes these jazz bands all too often make.

Recently I was invited to the wedding reception of a couple of friends. Although I knew much of the 'jazz crowd' would also be in attendance, I felt I could rest assured that out of all the wedding bandsLondon has too offer, they'd choose something in the middle of the road rather than the avant guard jazz bands they all too often listen too. After all the bride and groom would be aiming to entertain friends and family of all ages so something as niche as jazz would certainly be out of the question. Unfortunately I couldn't have been more wrong, as out of all the wedding bands London has to offer, who did they book? You guessed it, a jazz band! The only consolation this time was that I wasn't the only person who retreated to the lounge bar to avoid the cacophonous train wreck of a sound the band so skilfully achieved.