The Script About My Ass

You know, those parties that you would have at a friends house where all the guys would gravitate to the kitchen, and all the girls would gravitate to an up stairs bed room to talk girl talk. We all thought we were so cool. Some guy would always find a way to sneak a six pack of beer into the kitchen and another guy would always have a pack of cigarettes.

We would all take a small glass of beer and light up a cigarette and talk about what a buzz we were getting. While we were getting our little beer and cigarette buzz, we would start talking about what girls we thought were hot. Sometimes I wondered why the girls came to the party at all, they, always seemed to be upstairs.

All that changed after a while, but it was a real evolutionary process. But while we were evolving, sure, all the guys knew about all the guy talk in the kitchen, but no one ever knew anything about what the girls were talking about upstairs. Well, that is almost no one knew.

I overheard a very rare earshot of a conversation I wasn't suppose to hear. It was all very innocent of course, but rather interesting. This is how it all happened. I had to use the bathroom.

I knocked on the door, and one of my friends said. "I'm going to be in here for a while because I feel like I'm going to puke."

I thought, Okay, I will use the upstairs bathroom.

I got almost to the top of the stairs and I heard all kinds of laughter coming from the girls in the bedroom.

I thought, "I wonder what it is thats so funny that they are laughing about?

Then I heard one of the girls say, "Yeah that Kevin has the tightest ass."

And another girl chimed in, "I couldn't keep my eyes off of his ass for the entire football game."

I realized then. "They, were talking about my ass."

I thought, No one cares about all the touch downs I got or all the great plays I made. They're just watching my ass.

Then another girl yelled, "Yeah, I love that back field in motion."

Another girl chimed in, "Yeah, I just love seeing Kevin's ass in those tight football pants."

"I'd love to sueeze those tight buns."  Another voice cried out.

And yet another voice said, "I get goose bumps just thinking what it would be like to wrap my legs around his tight ass."

Well, at first I was devestated.

I thought, All that pumping iron, all that hair blowing, all that expense cologne. And what are all the girls looking at? Its my ass, just my ass.

Then I thought, Well, I better keep this little secret to myself.

I thought, If I tell anyone I overheard this conversation, they'll never be able to keep it a secret and it will get back to the girls.

They kept talking and talking about my ass, but I couldn't listen any longer.  I really did have to use the bathroom. So I used the bathroom and quietly slipped back down stairs again. Now I needed a beer and a cigarette. So, I gulped down an entire can of beer and had a cigarette, but then I really started to feel weird.

I thought, Woh, no more of that stuff. But then I started to think, hmmm, maybe I can capitalise on this ass thing.

I applied for a Summer job, and the girl said, "Oh, sorry, we have no more openings." Then she said, "Your shoe lace is untied."

I bent down to tie it. And then she said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I made a mistake, we do have an opening."

Now, I'm thinking, Hmmm, is this just a coincidence? Or was she really checking me out when I bent down to tie my shoe lace?

Then I would start to notice other little oddities. Everytime I walked into the office to look for a file, I would hear all this typing. But as soon as I would turn my back and start looking for a file, all the typing would stop. And then as soon as I got the file and turned around again, the typing would suddenly resume.

"Another strange coincidence, I suppose."

When I got my first paycheck from my summer job, I thought, It's time to do a little shopping.

Yeah, I was going pants shopping, tight pants shopping.

I thought, Hmmm, how tight can I get pants to fit?

Then I headed out with my new tight pants. Wow, was I getting smiles.

I thought, Screw the gym. The heck with pumping iron. I had it all together in one neat package.

Then school resumed again, and I thought, Hmmmm, I wonder if I can get my marks boosted a bit higher if I have all female teachers?

So, I went in to see the guidance counselor, and asked, "Could I have all female teachers?"

"Why do you want all female teachers?" He asked.

I said, "I seem to pay attention better."

He said, "Well, I can give you all female teachers, except for gym class."

"Great," I said.

I couldn't beleive the difference, with all female teachers, my marks were soaring. Every once in a while, I would drop my pen or something in class, and pick it up real slow just for insurance.

What was really weird though, was that I was getting even better at football. It started to feel good just thinking that I was giving the girls a thrill. I felt like they weren't cheering for the team, but rather they were really cheering for me.

After a while, I kind of even developed a little back field in motion wiggle. The girls were going wild.

I thought, Hey, if you got it, flaunt it.

When I graduated High School, I was hired by a Wall Street Brokerage firm, but I had to take a medical exam before I could start working. I looked out the window in the doctor's examining room in awe at the skyline.

As I marveled at the sites, I felt a hand tap on my shoulder. I turned my head to see a nurse standing there.

She said, "I have to take your temperature."

I opened my mouth expecting her to slip the thermometer in.

She smiled and said, "No, this isnt going in your mouth."

I asked, "Where else can it go?"

She said, "Drop your pants and shorts and find out."

I complied and as I layed down on my stomach, I could feel her stick the thermometer up my butt.

She started to chat with me and after a long while, I kind of wondered to myself. "Why is she taking so long to pull the therometer back out of my butt?"

Just then the doctor walked in and asked the nurse, "Why are you taking his temperature in this fashion?"

Her face now a bit blushed, she exclaimed, "Oh, I had some medical questions to ask him, and he couldn't answer them if the thermometer was in his mouth."

I thought, "Hmmm, medical questions. I couldn't remember her asking me any medical questions."

Then I thought, "Hmmm, another one of those coincidences."

The doctor asked, "So what's the temperature?"

With that, she pulled the thermometer from my butt at last, and said, "Your temperature is perfectly normal. And what department will you be working in?"