Both of You are Responsible for the Infidelity
If you have been the victim of your spouse's infidelity, this article is for you. It will help you to understand why he/she did it a bit more clearly, and you may even see your role (or the lack of it) in these wise words from a Life Coach and Divorced Dad.
Has your divorce happened because of infidelity? If it is and if that is fresh in your mind, the pain might want to make you avoid reading this article, but I hope you will persevere through it. You also played a role in the infidelity and you don't want to repeat that.
"And then something happens."
The causes of infidelity in a marriage belong to both the husband and the wife, regardless of which one was actually unfaithful. If you don't admit to your role in the experience, you are bound to repeat it, so I'd strongly urge you to read about these ideas with an open mind in order to prevent this from ever happening to you again.
Unfaithfulness, or having an affair, is often viewed as a betrayal of the marriage commitment. If the affair was physical or only inside your mind, both these kinds of infidelity create pain for the other spouse who looks at either one of them as some form of betrayal and breaking of the marriage vows.
I can tell you that the person who is performing the infidelity is doing so for themselves, and not to go against their spouse. The infidel thinks they have valid reasons to blame their spouse, for example, the spouse has neglected them in their marriage; their mate fosters more time on the children; their spouse has quit communicating openly with them. These are just some of the excuses for blaming someone else for what is really their infidelity, but if you are the non-offender, do look at these and see if you do any of them.
The unfaithful, immature spouse thinks that jealousy is righteous for copious reasons, some of them too childish to even talk about. Are you one of those who accepts excuses like this? Maybe an honest look at your commitment to your relationship with your spouse is due.
Sometimes being unfaithful comes from judgments the unfaithful spouse forms about his mate: you might think that they are not a good wage earner, so you're justified to fool around; she might be a plain Jane, and since you're such a prince, you feel justified to have an affair. He might uphold a higher moral standard than you do, which makes you think it's okay to lie and cheat on him because that'll show him! These are all mistaken justifications and need the light of honesty shined on them.
You might be outgrowing the relationship but you stay in it because by now, you are financially involved to the hilt and it would be a financial smack in the jaws to divorce, so why not just have a fling to cut the boredom, add a little spice, and basically (in your mind only) honor the commitment because, after all, "It's only sex, not love." So many people do not buy that line of BS.
You might work with someone who is extremely attractive and what began as innocent flirting could end up as a full blown affair. Because each action has an equal and opposite reaction, while you might feel great immediately, you could end up being overcome by shame or guilt later on. It's wise to take the long view and wait before you enter into infidelity. Or could your excuse be revengeful because you think you are aging faster than your spouse and you are upset about it?
Have you considered what are you teaching your children? Is your example good for them? Don't think that they are quite young now and are unaware of what you're doing. They'll find out sooner or later. Don't you want to be their Big Daddy for always and forever?
Making it through the other side of an affair leaves both members of the marriage shaken. I found some wonderful vulnerability quizzes on the internet that you can take to see where you stand in this sensitive situation. http://tinyurl.com/67y9au I hope and pray that you never experience infidelity again. Divorce isn't fun, and if you wise up, you'll no longer have to bear the blame.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com