Don't Pump Your Kids For Info

When your kids arrive home after a weekend with their other parent, it's unkind to submit them to a Q&A session. They are so uncomfortable when they know that you no longer love their daddy or mommy. They still love them. They don't understand why you divorced him. They simply want to love both of you as it was in the beginning.

If you are peppering them with questions, your kids know intuitively that they are leading questions. They know that if they don't answer them appropriately, one of their parents loses the kids' vote and they don't want to cause this kind of hurt for you. So if you want to know stuff about that cheap floozie he's dating now, ask him not your children. Don't put your child in the middle of these sick adult games.

Putting your child's welfare before your own may be the very thing that helps you to mature into adulthood. Your children deserve your consideration and your love, and asking pointed questions that makes the child's answer serve as a vote for one side or the other is not adult. I think it criminal to put your child into such a difficult position. Your children are not to blame for your divorce. (You have told them this, right? You have had discussions about this, right? They know their school grade or the condition of their room had nothing to do with the divorce, right?)

It's okay to ask questions about the child's welfare: did they get enough to eat? was there a good place fixed for them to sleep? what time did they go to bed? was there somewhere they could get their homework done? was time set aside for homework? Not "What did daddy's new True Love fix for dinner?" You get the gist.

This time spent with their other parent shouldn't be labeled "visiting." They aren't just visiting - they live with them equally, and they have a right to live in harmony with each of their parents. Try not to label it a visit vs. living.

Give them lots of hugs when they come home. Share how much they were on your mind while they were with your ex. Let them know what you did with your free time during their visit to mommy's new apartment. It's okay to question them about their activities so you can celebrate the fun they had.

If the parent they are visiting is wealthier than you are, and if they spend more money on the children than you can, don't make them feel guilty about that, even if you feel guilty yourself. Be as generous as you can and try to enjoy what they are enjoying without making comparisons.

Don't encourage or tolerate the children talking negatively about the other parent or his new spouse. This fosters alienation and disrespect. Keep your ears wide open and if you hear legal issues that demand your attention, find an attorney to help you; but don't involve the children in this.

Don't act hurt or betrayed if your child says he had a good time at Daddy's this weekend. Try to show more maturity. Talk about your feelings of hurt with a counselor not your children.

The way you handle your children's weekend with your ex will help you to mature and it will help them to foster self-sufficiency, self-love and a sense of security within themselves. Be generous. You have zero to lose by being generous and by not grilling your kids for data, because generosity will generate a lot more good for you. Divorce is tough enough without that.