When we have to be both mother and father for our children in their primary residence it can be a challenge to know how to supply nurture, encouragement, protection and provision in the right measures.
When we have to
be both mother and father for our children in their primary residence it can be
a challenge to know how to supply nurture, encouragement, protection and
provision in the right measures. Our children will continue to evolve
physically, emotionally and spiritually over time and their biggest influences,
in their most informative years, will come from their home environment.
As parents, we can only do our best. Remember that ‘best’ is a moving
scale and that as we invest in our own development we create a bigger scope for
our children to become more of who they were born to be. Here are my
first 5 pointers to allowing your children their greatest scope for success:
1. Model Great Communication
Take time to be clear about what you want to say and why. My simplest
strategies are:
Keep it positive, so instead of ‘don’t’ speak to me like
that’, try ‘speak to me politely and you’ll get a better response’.
Try to practice replacing ‘but’ with ‘and’ - it will
allow your children to retain the information in the first part of the
sentence (which is usually the positive part), so ‘I think you dressed
yourself really well today and tomorrow I’d like you to try a little
faster.’
I recommend reading ‘The Gentle Art of Communicating with
Kids’ by Suzette Haden Elgin
2.
Encourage an Open Mind
Remember that there is rarely one right way. Take eggs: boil them, fry
them, scramble them, poach them. Take personalities: adventurous, caring,
entertaining, strategic. Take artwork: Monet, Dali, Emin or Eisner.
It’s all a matter of taste, personality and preference. Encourage your
child
to find out what’s right for them as well as what might be others’
experience. Be open to discussions around gender, race, age, ability,
height, weight, beauty, culture, faith and education. Also be aware of
your own assumptions in these areas – no one way is better than another – all
have benefits and advantages.
3. Model Respect
‘Treat others as you want to be treated’ is valuable advice that has existed
for generations. If you want to be loved, then love. If you want to
be encouraged, then encourage. If you want to be bruise-free, don’t
bruise. Being respectful can have its challenges – especially when we
deal with our ex-partners – so practice acknowledging differences – ‘I can see
that you think differently about the children’s summer clubs. Let me
think about it’; or ‘It sounds like your faith works for you as much as mine
works for me … which is good’. Your children will take their model for
respect and tolerance from you (initially) – giving them the best start
possible.
4. Maintain Boundaries
Consistency encourages confidence. This applies to our homes and physical
surroundings, our ability to handle a new school or work place, our
understanding of how to ‘be’ around other people (family, friends, work
colleagues and relatives). Once we learn the rules we can practice
succeeding within them. With children, this means being consistent with messages
of affirmation, rules at mealtimes, routines around home-time, bath and bed,
standards of politeness and respect. Keeping these things consistent,
even when we’re feeling sensitive and challenged ourselves will pay off in the
end.
5. Encourage Responsibility for Relationships
It’s all very easy, especially when our children are little, to intercede in
their relationships. This includes us stepping in to resolve
disagreements with friends over toys, communicating with their teacher with
regard to behavior and taking their side in a conversation with their other
parent. There’s a difference between taking over a situation and
equipping our children to learn from a situation. Again, for an easier
life, I recommend putting some effort into the latter.
