In the face of a new academic year, many parents are met with the challenge of an indifferent or underachieving teenager or pre-teen. The common refrain of "I don't care" or "It doesn't matter" can be disheartening, but there are effective strategies to help motivate your child towards better behavior and achievement. James Lehman, MSW, sheds light on the misconception that these children lack motivation and offers guidance on how parents can become effective coaches in their child's life.
It's a common misconception that some teens and pre-teens lack motivation. However, the reality is that every individual is motivated by something. For some young people, their motivation might be directed towards resisting expectations and exerting control by doing as little as possible. This behavior can manifest as a reluctance to engage with schoolwork, a dismissive attitude towards parents, or a general apathy towards responsibilities.
Parents often believe that finding a new way to encourage their child will lead to a sudden improvement in their performance. However, the issue often lies in the child's motivation to resist and underperform. It's crucial for parents to recognize that their child is exerting significant energy into this resistance and to address the underlying errors in thinking, such as "I can't," "It's too hard," or "I don't care." These statements are not just expressions of indifference; they are coping mechanisms for anxiety and a way for the child to feel in control.
Underachievement can provide a sense of control and power for a child, as it removes the anxiety associated with failure and meeting challenging responsibilities. It also allows them to manage others' expectations, as achieving more can lead to increased pressure to perform. Parents must recognize this and help their child navigate these feelings by coaching them to meet responsibilities despite any anxiety, fear, or apathy they may exhibit.
In conclusion, while it's true that you cannot force a child to care, you can create an environment that encourages them to discover their own reasons for caring. By understanding the true motivations behind a child's indifference and implementing strategies that promote responsibility and personal growth, parents can guide their children towards a more engaged and successful path.
For more insights on managing passive-aggressive behavior in children, visit Empowering Parents.
Interesting stats and data on the topic of underachievement and motivation in children are not commonly discussed in mainstream media. However, research suggests that intrinsic motivation, which is driven by personal interest and enjoyment in the task itself, is a key factor in academic success. According to a study published in the "Journal of Educational Psychology," students who are intrinsically motivated are more likely to engage in deep learning and achieve higher academic performance. Additionally, the National Center for Education Statistics reports that student engagement, which includes a strong interest in learning, is a significant predictor of academic achievement and future educational attainment.
Gut Check: Do You Tiptoe around Your Child?
“It was always like walking on eggshells around here. Very tense,” says Josephine, mother of 17-year-old Jamie. “She was totally disrespectful and condescending and I was ready to throw her out.” Josephine recalls how her “blood was always boiling” at home because her daughter’s unending anger stoked her own anger, and she dreaded the next behavioral eruption. “I would ask her to do things rather than tell her to do things just so I wouldn’t set her off. I’d get drawn into these screaming matches and the ‘Why? Why? Why?’ Now that I’ve realized how I need to be communicating with her, and what to say to her, I haven’t raised my voice and we haven’t argued in weeks.”
Sudden Behavior Changes in Children
I believe parents go through something similar to the stages of grief when their kids go through adolescence. The family that once had a loving and eager son or daughter, someone who would spend as much time with you as you let them, is gone now; it’s as if it has died. In its place is a different family system, and it’s one in which your child may talk back to you and complain about you frequently. Maybe your once-cheerful middle school son stomps off to his room when he comes home. Or the daughter who used to want to spend time with you acts like she doesn’t even like you—let alone want to be in the same room with you. Rebelliousness becomes part of the routine.
Do You Feel Like Your Childs Behavior is Your Fault?
When you’re the parent of an acting-out child, it’s easy to feel as if you’re to blame for their behavior. As a result, you can fall into the trap of trying to fix things for your child instead of letting them deal with the natural and logical consequences of their behavior. In this interview, James Lehman explains some of the ineffective roles parents fall into, and tells you why it’s important to identify what you’re doing so you can change—and help your child change, too.
