I believe parents go through something similar to the stages of grief
when their kids go through adolescence. The family that once had a
loving and eager son or daughter, someone who would spend as much time
with you as you let them, is gone now; it’s as if it has died. In its
place is a different family system, and it’s one in which your child may
talk back to you and complain about you frequently. Maybe your
once-cheerful middle school son stomps off to his room when he comes
home. Or the daughter who used to want to spend time with you acts like
she doesn’t even like you—let alone want to be in the same room with
you. Rebelliousness becomes part of the routine.
Parents often react to these kinds of changes in their children by
going through some of the stages of grief. One of the stages is
bargaining—and in fact, parents will try to bargain and negotiate with
their child in an attempt to pull them back in. Another one of the
stages is anger: parents get very angry about what has happened to the
relationship they used to have. Often that anger takes the form of
fighting and arguing and blaming between the parents and the adolescent.
Fortunately, the last stage of grief is acceptance: eventually, we come
to accept that our child is going to become his or her own person, with
his or her own personal tastes, likes and dislikes. The parent-child
relationship becomes much more complex than it was when they were
younger. Unfortunately for many families, acceptance of the process
usually happens late and last.
When your family is going through this grieving process, it’s really
tough to deal with, and I understand that—I’m a parent myself. I’ve seen
many, many parents mourning these kinds of changes in their kids. It’s
important to realize that when people are grieving, they don't always
make the best decisions. Unfortunately, a lot of parents mistakenly
fight against the changes they see happening. But make no mistake: the
more you fight it, the stronger it gets.
Personally, I believe we need to accept the normal developmental changes we see while holding our kids accountable to the rules.
1. Realize that Your Child is Individuating from You
Realize that your child is
individuating from you and try not to take their behavior as a personal
attack. Think of the films you see on the Discovery Channel, where the
butterfly has to break out of its cocoon, or a bird or reptile hatching
from an egg. If you notice, they have to tear and claw their way out of
the shell. They don’t get to the next stage of their lives passively.
And unfortunately, neither do adolescents. You are the authority in
their lives with control over them, so rebellion is often part of the
way they separate from you. That’s how they break free of the cocoon. I
don’t mean this to say that you have to accept it if they are verbally
nasty or start to resist curfew or chores—you need to hold them
accountable for that behavior. Just realize that this is not a personal
attack upon you. It’s just your child fighting his or her way out of the
cocoon.
Adolescents will also start to say things like, “I have a life
outside of this family. I have my own friends. They’re the ones who
really understand me—not you!” They want their own money and might get a
part-time job so they can buy clothes and have some autonomy. I
personally believe one of the most important lessons we can teach our
kids is that of independence. In fact, being independent is one of the
greatest factors for determining success later in life. So as much as is
possible and safe, I think you should allow your teen some control over
his or her own life if they’ve proven themselves to be responsible.
This autonomy may come in the form of a part-time job, or the sports or
activities your child chooses to do at school. Whenever possible, allow
them to make those kinds of choices themselves. And remember, giving
kids choices so they don’t feel trapped will usually decrease the
chances that they’ll enter into a power struggle with you.
2. Don’t Give the Behavior Power
If your child has developed a
bad attitude and is rude and disrespectful around the house, one of the
best things you can do is not give it power. Keep the expectations in
your house clear: “In this family, we treat each other with respect.”
Don’t stay there with your child and argue the point—remember, you don’t
need to attend every fight you’re invited to. After you’ve both calmed
down, you can give them consequences for their behavior. But don’t give
their bad attitude or backtalk power in the moment, because that only
teaches them that they can push your buttons.
3. When You Don’t Like Your Child’s Friends
Here's the thing. Even though you might think your kid has the wrong friends, you need to understand that they're
the people he’s seeking out. To somebody else's parents, your child is
the wrong friend. I used to laugh when parents would say, “Well, it's
his friends that have made him change; it's the people he's hanging out
with.” Understand that there's a reason why he's hanging out with them;
he's choosing them because he's like them. He's attracted to their
behavior, he's one of them. So while one parent might be saying, “Sam's a
mess because he hangs out with those bad kids.” Another parent down the
block is telling her child, “Don't hang out with kids like Sam.” It's
all about your perspective.
By the way, if your child is always at a friend’s house, and you
don’t like that friend, I have one thing to say: your child has too much
free time. Again, I encourage parents to have structure. This includes a
flexible but clear time frame. When you have a set schedule in your
house, your child then knows that there's a time when he has to be home
from school. He knows he shouldn’t go and hang out at his friend's house
for an hour and then come home. In fact, it’s been proven that kids who
get good grades tend to come home after school and start their
homework. And these days, kids have a lot of studying to do at night.
Believe me, in high school when the demands for homework become greater,
kids shouldn’t be spending less time on their studies. Don’t get me
wrong, I think there's a time when kids can go to a friend's house, like
on weekends, for example. But I think on school nights, they should be
home.
By the way, I know there are many families where both parents work.
My wife and I both worked, and I understand the difficulties parents
face in this situation. Many parents have no control over their kids
until they get home at 5:30, or even later. But I believe you can still
structure your child’s schedule after school by giving them choices. You
can say, “What you do until 5:30 is up to you. If you’re home by 3:30
and start your homework, you’ll have more free time later to watch TV or
play video games. But if you play around, you’ll have to do your
homework after dinner and miss that free time later on in the evening.” (When You Dread coming home to your child)
4. Control What Comes Into Your Home
I think it's so important that
parents control what comes into their homes. What I mean by that is,
control the media that your children are exposed to. After all, your
house is the only place where you have any control at all. It’s the
place where you can say, “No sexually explicit stuff here. No x-rated
movies, no violent music or video games.” Your home is the only area
where you can really try to uphold those standards. Think of it as the
place where there's some sanity, expectations and rules. Those
expectations might be, “We expect you to get good grades, we expect you
to do your homework. If you don't do your homework, forget about having
your phone or being on the computer.” Realize that you can’t control
what your child does outside of the house. You can give consequences
when you catch them breaking rules, but ultimately, the control you have
extends to the walls of your home.
5. Reward Positive Behavior, Give Consequences for Breaking Rules
If your child is involved with
sports outside the house and does well and still maintains good grades, I
think you can reward him or her for that. You can buy them a pair of
cleats, for example, or take them to a football game or dance
performance. On the flip side, if kids get in trouble outside the house,
including trouble with the law or getting caught drinking or getting
high, then you need to give them consequences at home as well. An
effective one is to not allow them to go out until they’ve made amends
and can demonstrate they're more trustworthy; they can do this by
behaving more responsibly through a Learning Experience that you develop
with them.
Consequences are really how we get people to meet their
responsibilities. It's very simple: when you're driving, getting a
speeding ticket is the consequence for not meeting your responsibilities
to drive within the limits of the law. It's all connected, and it’s an
effective part of the way we teach our children better behavior.
6. Getting Your Child Back on Track after Grades Have Slipped
I think it’s okay to say to your
child, “Your grades have really fallen. I'm taking your cell phone
until you show me that you're getting them back up again.” And until the
teacher sends home a notice saying that your child’s performance is
improving, hang onto their phone or their Nintendo DS—or whatever it
takes to motivate them. And then you can say, “If that notice doesn't
say you're doing good work, I'm keeping this until the report card
comes.” I think you should be very, very firm about that. You don't owe
your child a phone, a DS or a car, in the case of teens. Those are the
things you give them to use. And so don't hesitate to use them as
consequences or rewards, and don't play around. After all, your child’s
job is to learn, to go to school and get good grades. If you want them
to go to a good school or get scholarships from college, they've got to
have the grades to back it up. So if they’re not trying, or if doing
sports or a part-time job is interfering with schoolwork, in my mind,
you need to be clear with them: school comes first. They might have to
give up activities or their job until they can get their grades back up,
but that’s okay.
7. Setting Limits on Adolescents
Parents of teens need to
understand that adolescents are in a different stage of their lives
now—and there are ways to support it and there are ways to set limits on
it. You can say, “In this house, I want you here for dinner time so we
can all eat together. If you don't like it, just sit there and eat
quietly. But we all eat dinner together.” Parents also have to accept
that their kids might want to spend more time in their rooms. They're
going to think their friends understand them a lot more than their
parents do. They're going to push parents away. While it can be very
painful, it’s important to realize that this change is not personal or
unique to your child—this is really the way your adolescent is learning
how to be an adult.
James Lehman, MSW was a renowned child behavioral therapist who worked with struggling teens
and children for three decades. He created the Total Transformation
Program to help people parent more effectively. James' foremost goal was
to help kids and to "empower parents."
